The Real DBZ
by Wisteria22
Summary: Ever wonder what secrets the cast of DBZ are hiding? Join Jackie Tanner as she tortures...er interviews all of your favorite and least favoirte characters! R&R!
1. Goku

A/N: I am open to suggestions for who is interviewed next; Characters may be slightly OOC. Takes place during the Saiyaman Saga;

Disclaimer: the act of disclaiming; the renouncing, repudiating, or denying of a claim; disavowal. According to the definition, I hereby disclaim all rights to DBZ. I also don't own the Pokémon theme song; it's soooooo catchy!

**THE REAL DBZ: SON GOKU**

"Welcome to _the Real DBZ_. I'm your host, Jackie Tanner," A teenage girl with short blonde hair said, "Today we will be interviewing none other than Son Goku,"

Son Goku appeared on the stage, sporting a halo over his messy head of hair. He smiled in the usual Son family fashion and sat down on the chair labeled **VICTIM**. As soon as Goku set his arms on the armrest of the chair, thick cords sprang out of nowhere and restrained him; preventing him from escape. Of course, Goku didn't know that since this rope had been special ordered from Capsule Corporation; not even Bulma knew what it was being used for when they asked for it.

Jackie Tanner stepped out from behind her desk; revealing a black paint splattered tee, skinny jeans, and arm warmers. Jackie walked over to Goku and sat down on the chair right next to his, the only difference was that hers said **TORTURER** and didn't restrain her.

"So Goku, are you glad to be back on earth?" Jackie asked, trying to melt the ice between her and her victim.

"You didn't really give me a choice," Goku chuckled, "How did you manage to take King Kai and King Yemma hostage, anyway?"

Jackie's dark brown eyes grew sinister as she began to laugh, her fingers curling back as flames licked the floor.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Jackie said as soon as she recovered from her slight fit on insanity, strangely enough, the flames vanished with the laughter. It seemed like something that could only happen in GT, but this was a GT free zone; just look at the signs above the door. It must have been the CGI….

Goku laughed nervously, "Well, I'm sure they need to run otherworld. Do you think we could hurry this up?" he proposed.

"All right then, this is how it works. I ask you a question, you give me an answer. If you lied, and we can tell, the chair will drain your ki and or shock you," Jackie explained, "Does this make sense?"

"About as much sense as King Kai did at first," Goku mumbled under his breath.

Mistaking his mumblings for an answer to go ahead, Jackie clapped her hands and a spotlight shined on Goku.

"Goku, is it true that you mistook Vegeta for Chi Chi at a costume party?" Jackie asked.

"WHAT!" Goku exclaimed, his eyes bugging out of his head.

"C'mon Goku, answer the question," Jackie pressed, leaning forward in her seat until she was barely touching it.

Goku nervously looked both ways, "Can you turn the cameras off?" he asked.

Jackie nodded and signaled to the camera men to keep them rolling, "They are off," she assured the dead Z fighter.

Maybe it was the fact that Goku wasn't the brightest person out their; maybe it was Jackie going to acting school; maybe Dende decided to be nice for once in his time as Kami…. Whatever it was kept Goku from noticing the slight smirk in Jackie's face, or the deceptiveness shining from her eyes.

Goku said "Well, Chi Chi wanted to be the Bride of Frankenstein at the last reunion I was alive for," Goku began, "So she had spiked her hair up and it looked sort of like Vegeta's. Then I was eating some REALLY good pie, you should of tried it, it had the right amount of cinnamon and-"

"Goku, I'm going to say this as nice as I can," Jackie interrupted, "NO ONE CARES ABOUT %&$*#$ PIES!"

Tears welled up in the Saiyans eyes, "They don't?" he asked like a kid who found out that Santa isn't real.

"No one," Jackie promised, nodding her head.

Goku started to cry, if no one stopped him at this rate the studio would flood! That meant no more equipment, no more viewers, and most importantly…no more torturing! So, Jackie reached into her pocket and pulled out a special little remote she had made just for this purpose. It had taken a lot of thought, time, dedication, and tax payers' money; but it was worth it.

"_I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was, to catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause…"_

It was the most horrifying thing that they could find; several of their interns had gone missing in the search, including the original host. Why else would they have a teenage girl running the show? Some of the best martial artists had gone missing on the hunt: Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Barney, and Dora the Explorer were just a few of them.

Jackie Tanner hit the button on her remote again and the horrible theme song stopped playing, "Now Goku, do I have to play that again?" she asked in a belittling tone of voice.

Goku fearfully shook his head.

"Now, you are going to tell me what happened next," Jackie commanded.

"So I was eating some pies and then this song came on that I knew Chi Chi would like 'cause it was talking about Frying Pans…..or was it Flying Cans…..Well, I looked for her and saw some black hair sticking up and I thought it was Chi Chi. So I walked up and asked her if she wanted to dance; the next thing I know I'm flying over West city because Vegeta shot a ki ball in my face," Goku shivered, "I'll never ask him to dance again,"

Jackie nodded, "So you have a little crush on Vegeta, eh?"

"No no no no no!" Goku said as his face turned beat red.

"Suuuuure you don't" Jackie said, "You must like him a lot,"

"Yeah I do….HEY! I don't like Vegeta!" Goku protested.

"I guess you really don't like him," Jackie said, "You love him!"

Goku opened his mouth to protest but Jackie had already continued rambling, "You must have seen how he prefers brains over brawn in his mate; that was the real reason you wanted to get a driver's license, wasn't it?"

"If I say yes, can I leave?" Goku asked warily.

"Maybe," Jackie said with a shrug.

"Yes, I admit it," Goku said desperately, struggling with his restraints.

"Acceptance is the first step towards getting help, Goku," Jackie told him, "But just because Mirai Trunks is hotter, stronger, and braver than you doesn't mean you have to out due him by staying dead longer,"

"I am not jealous of Mirai Trunks!" Goku argued, "Why would I want purple hair?"

Before Jackie had a chance to reply, a loud beeping noise could be heard coming from Goku's chair. It grew louder and louder and louder until two bolts of electricity came zipping out; electrocuting the poor saiyan.

Jackie gasped at this revelation; Goku could lie.

"So you ARE jealous of Mirai Trunks, huh?" Jackie pressed, "You probably thought he was better than you with his leather jacket, tight black tank top, and macho sword. It keeps you up at night, and whenever you get to sleep, you only see him laughing at you. Don't you, Goku?"

Goku burst in to tears, luckily for him Jackie didn't press The Button as punishment for crying. Perhaps she was amused at this easy admittance, perhaps she forget to have her morning Pepsi and was too tired to press a button. Or, the most likely reason, Popo was watching over Earth for Dende and spotted Goku's plight.

"Yes….YES!" Goku wailed, "I ADMIT IT! It's just not fair! He gets to be smart, and….and his hair is so soft and silky….Mine isn't silky! It's like a rats nest! Even Gregory's sister in law, Polly the Porcupine, laughs at it!"

Goku sobbed into his hands as Jackie patted him on the back, whispering him names of techniques to cheer him up.

"And….and….he gets to fight the original androids….but I don't! It's not like I get to fight EVERY other villain in the series!" Goku complained, "But you know what hurts the most?"

"What?" Jackie asked in a soft tone, inside doing a happy dance at all of the TV gold she was getting.

She was sure to get a raise; first she would take her money and calculate how many pennies she had, then nickels, then dimes, and then quarters. After she finished that, she would pay the government to create a new coin called a Jackie. The Jackies would be worth seven cents for other people, but 1,000 dollars for her. It made perfect sense!

"You know what Mirai Trunks did?" Goku asked, "YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?"

"Tell me!" Jackie demanded, banging her fists on her knee.

"HE STOLE MR. SNUGGLY POO!"


	2. Piccolo

**A/N: If you have a character you want to see or an idea for torture, leave it in a review. **

**glittergirl73**: Jackie is mean, that's why I like her. And there would be no ratings if she was all nice, so I totally agree.

**Ren Rika**: That was just the beginning *evil grin*, though I would like to say that you are one of my most loyal reviewers. I would give you a prize, but I'm broke.

**()**: Sure can do

Disclaimer: It's official! I went to court and sued Akira for the rights to DBZ... Now I owe him a million zeni…..any takers? *passes collection cup to reviewers*

**THE REAL DBZ: PICCOLO**

The stage lights turned on to reveal Jackie Tanner sitting on the desk, eating a McDonald's kid's meal. One by one the chicken nuggets disappeared into her mouth, traveling down her throat, and landing in her stomach where they were dissolved by…. Anyways, Jackie appeared to of been on her lunch….dinner….or was it breakfast…..well, she was on break.

Carl the Cameraman wanted to end this show as soon as possible; Jackie was a dictator. If he stuck around too long he would be dying neon blue streaks in her hair while she pressured him about his spouse. No one knew this, but Carl was gay, he was too nervous to tell anyone. He thought that Jackie would ridicule him about it; what he didn't know was that Jackie's uncle was gay. She'd probably even be nice to him; Oh well, sucks for Carl.

"Five….Four….Three…..Two….One…." Carl said, hoping to catch Jackie's attention by starting the show.

"Welcome back to The Real DBZ," Jackie said as she shoved her food underneath the desk, "I'm your host, Jackie Tanner. Today we have a real treat for you, come on out!"

A black door swung open, revealing a person. He was 7 ft tall, wore a purple gee, and had two antennas. His face had an angry expression on it, for some reason he wasn't happy to be on the show. Why would anyone _not_ want to be interviewed by the one and only Jackie Tanner? Only Jackie didn't know that answer to that question. Piccolo stomped over to the chair that said Victim and stared angrily at Jackie.

"Why don't you have a seat, Piccolo?" Jackie asked with a fake mask of politeness.

"No," Piccolo retorted.

"Have a seat," Jackie stressed.

"My answer is still No," Piccolo replied, smirking at the teenager.

Jackie pulled out her remote and pressed the second button, not the first button, the second button. The same rope that had been used to restrain Goku sprang out again and grabbed Piccolo, dragging him backwards until he was sitting in the **VITCTIM** chair.

"Isn't that better?" Jackie taunted him, twirling the remote around in her fingers.

Piccolo sneered at her and prepared to send a ki attack at the young teen. Piccolo was charging a small, but powerful, ki blast in his right hand and released it with a smug grin. That grin vanished as quickly as the ki blast did; one minute it was there, the next minute it wasn't.

"That rope is saiyan proof," Jackie said smugly, "If Goku couldn't break it, whats the chance you could?"

If looks could kill, Jackie would be on a one way trip to heaven….or hell….wherever she would go. The point is Piccolo would have killed her; Then wish her back to life with the dragon. And kill her again, then wish her back, and then kill her….

"Now, this is how it works. I ask a question, you give me an answer. If you lie, we will drain your ki and or shock you. Get it?" Jackie asked rudely, interrupting Piccolo's plans.

"Got it," Piccolo mocked her.

"Piccolo Piccolo Piccolo….," Jackie said, "If that's even your real name,"

"Of course it is! Piccolo, just like my father!" Piccolo roared, causing the studio to have a mini earth quake.

"Are you sure about that?" Jackie questioned, "My sources saw you using the name Pico Cole, and you look exactly like the famous fashion designer who has that very name,"

"If he is so famous, then how come I've never heard of him?" Piccolo asked.

For once Jackie didn't reply to his Challenge, she just folded her hands and set them in her lap. Her face was smug and her eyes were gleaming from anticipation; not even the author knew what she was anticipating. Before someone could say Hercule Satan, the chair began to beep; it grew louder and louder and louder….

Realization dawned upon Piccolo just before it happened. A split second before the chair shocked his invisible eyebrows off. If you could see them, you would see them floating down like a feather before landing in Piccolo's lap.

"Remind me what you just said, eh Pico Cole?" Jackie jeered, loving every second of being in charge of the situation.

Piccolo's eyes darted, searching for any method of escape from his female torturer. Alas, Jackie had designed the studio to prevent escape. The only way out was the same way they got in, by _invitation_. And there was no way that Jackie would be finished with Piccolo anytime soon, she still had tons of juicy little tidbits to squeeze out of him.

"Fine," Piccolo said, "I am the famous fashion designer Pico Cole. I had to get money some way! Water is very expensive these days, what with pollution and swimmers! Do you know how hard it is to drink only water? Do you?"

Jackie reached under her desk and grabbed her French fries that she never got to finish, "No, I don't," she admitted, popping a French fry in her mouth.

"And don't get me started on flavored water!" Piccolo complained.

"Is that why you dye your antenna?" Jackie asked quietly, her brown eyes seemingly remorseful; too bad it was all an act.

"Wha-what?" Piccolo asked, "What do you mean?"

"You dye your antennas green," Jackie explained, "they're naturally purple, right?"

"Pink," Piccolo muttered, looking down at his feet to avoid her prying gaze, "They are naturally pink,"

"#$&^," Piccolo cursed from pain as the chair shocked him.

"What color are they naturally?" Jackie pried.

Piccolo sighed, "Hot pink with lilac tips," he answered.

"Good," Jackie said, "Why are you constipated all the time? Is it something all Namekians get? Or is it just you?" she pondered as she completely changed the subject; not even bothering to gloat in Piccolo's revelation.

"I….I…..what?" Piccolo stuttered.

"You're constipated all of the time. That's why you're always tense; you're too embarrassed to say you need to go to the bathroom. You need to take some medication; this is a very serious problem," Jackie said convincingly.

Piccolo couldn't even say an intelligent response to Jackie's accusation; did she hit the mark? Or was he too flabbergasted to respond? Only Dende knew, and he was sitting in the Green Room reading _Seventeen_ magazine.

"That's why you float in midair all the time," Jackie explained, "It must release the pressure,"

"I float in the air to do something called meditation! If you even know what that is!" Piccolo complained.

Jackie's head whipped so fast that not even Yajirobe could of kept up with it, well….that's not really too fast. But it was fast enough to be noticeable.

"What did you just say?" she asked menacingly.

"I'm sorry I used words you couldn't understand, _Blondie_," Piccolo jeered, "Even Goku could have understood that without any help,"

"Take that back!" Jackie demanded, "I'll have you know that I have a 4.0 GPA, if you even know what that is!"

Piccolo turned his head 360 degree like an owl and mouthed the word that drove Jackie crazy. The word that had her wailing on the unfortunate interns, the word that got under skin like nothing else could.

Bimbo.

"GET HIM OUT OF HERE!" Jackie screeched, pressing the third button on her remote like there was no tomorrow.

Only there was a tomorrow, and she'd be interviewing none other than….

"I SAID OUT OF HERE!"


	3. Vegeta

**A/N: If you have a certain character you want to see next or an idea for Jackie to use, leave it in a review. **Oh, I wanted to tell you guys something really freaky. I dreamt I got a review from someone and the shocking thing is I remembered what it said. It was actually some good advice,

**Ren Rika**: Thank you for the thousand zeni, hopefully I can pay him off before the time limit. When I can, I'll buy you a Bubbles plushy!

**glittergirl73**: Aww, you guys are the best. I might actually be able to pay him off. I'll have Jackie tell him during this very story. Glitter's character only gets her name from you; I completely made up her personality.

Disclaimer: If only I owned DBZ….then Akira would be the one paying ME a million zeni! But it doesn't matter, I still get to play with his characters while he doesn't even know!*smirks*

**THE REAL DBZ: VEGETA**

"Why would our school have a spirit week anyway? We have no spirit!" Jackie said into her iphone, sitting on the desk in deep concentration.

Her single black leather glove looked wrinkled like she was nervous about today's show. But that shouldn't be possible; she had stood up to Piccolo and lived to tell the tale. What could have made THE Jackie Tanner nervous; it should have been the other way around. Sadly, no one in that building (besides the next victim) knew how to sense ki. That mystery would have to be solved by itself; they would have to learn to be patient.

That was VERY hard to do in Hollywood.

"And our school colors! What is it, Christmas?" Jackie complained, "Come on! Ugly Sweater day! I might as well stay-"

"CAN'T WE GET THIS BLASTED THING OVER WITH?" A voice yelled from behind the entrance door, pounding on it hard enough that all of the dust came down from the ceiling.

"Talk to you later, Megan," Jackie said before shutting off her phone and slipping it quietly away in her pocket.

Jackie started her intro "Welcome back to-"

"I SAID CAN WE GET THIS BLASTED THING OVER WITH!" The voice yelled again, pounding even harder on the door.

Fearing whoever was behind that door, Jackie took a calming breath and closed her eyes. She was scared witless, but she knew not to show it. If she wanted the viewers to enjoy watching her, she would have to make them know that she was nobody's fool. Or at least, that's what Kevin O'Leary from Shark Tank told her.

Jackie Tanner tried "Welcome-"

"I'M STILL WAITING!" the voice shouted.

Jackie than noticed there was a small but significant crack in her precious door. She would have to announce the show and her next victim fast, or she would have to buy a new one. Her contract said that she wasn't responsible for any damages done _during_ the show; it didn't say anything about prior to the show.

"WELCOME BACK TO THE REAL DBZ," Jackie shouted at the top of her lungs, "MY NAME IS JACKIE TANNER AND I'M STILL YOUR HOST! TODAY, WE HAVE A REAL INTERESTING AND FRIGHTENING GUY!"

Whoever was on the other side of that door kicked it open, somehow leaving it sizzling against the wall. Wearing white armor and blue spandex; there was only one possibility of who this could be.

It was Vegeta.

Vegeta strutted inside like he owned the place and took a seat on the victim chair. When the ropes came out to restrain him, he snapped his fingers and they lay limp on the floor. Jackie couldn't help it, her mouth dropped so low it almost hit the floor. Vegeta then motioned for her to come over as if he was in charge, not her.

Jackie was prepared to give Vegeta a verbal lashing but was stopped by her phone ringing. How odd; she could of sworn she turned it off after talking to Megan. Usually, she would have let if ring but some unknown force was telling her to answer it. Knowing that Dende had fallen asleep in the greenroom, Jackie knew this force must have been Mr. Popo.

Jackie reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone; she had a call from her friend Glitter. Her name wasn't really Glitter but it seemed that EVERYTHING she wore had some glitter on it; besides, who wants to be called Marge? Even the teachers called her Glitter and she was registered for school under Glitter Sabrowski. She might even be married as Glitter….

The same unknown force was prompting her to put it on speaker phone; normally, she would have never done that with Vegeta in the room. But this was a very persuasive force; it must of payed attention in Kami School. Jackie decided that just this once, she would let everyone hear the call.

"Hi Glitter! You're on speaker phone," Jackie said, setting the phone down on a stool that appeared just for Jackie's use.

"Hey JT! Is Vegeta there?" Glitter asked.

"JT? What kind of name is that?" Vegeta asked from his 'throne'.

"Oh, he doesn't know what JT is? JT is her initials, silly wily!" Glitter answered his question, "It's kind of funny because there is this guy named Jason Trent and his initials are JT and JT likes-"

"GLITTER!" Jackie complained.

"So you found a potential mate?" Vegeta asked Jackie.

If only the ropes would have restrained Vegeta, Jackie would have been using every dirty trick in the book _One thousand and One dirty tricks_. Alas, the ropes remained limp on the floor; refusing to obey her wishes. She'd have to complain to Capsule Corp. and order some new ones; some Vegeta proof rope. Saiyan proof just didn't work when dealing with the Prince.

"NO!" Jackie shouted, "Can we get back to the reason you called, Glitter?"

"You need to calm down JT, you're going to get stress lines," Glitter reasoned, "I actually didn't call for you."

"Then why did you call?" Jackie asked, confused with her friend's behavior.

"I called to talk to Vegeta," Glitter broke into a fit of giggles, "I wanted to tell him I had fun last night!"

Jackie was shocked; wouldn't you be if your friend basically said she….she….you know….with Vegeta. She would never have pegged Vegeta as a cheater; sure he was a jerk, but not a cheater. Poor Bulma, real princes must not come true.

"But….but….You were in love with Bulma at first sight!" Jackie protested, "How could you do this to her?"

"What are you talking about, girl?" Vegeta asked, "Did someone force you to watch GT? Let me guess, you enjoyed it! Didn't you?"

"You cheated on Bulma! Glitter just said so on national TV!" Jackie stuttered, "And this is a GT free zone!"

"JT, you always jump to conclusions! Vegeta just helped me with my hair gel last night," Glitter explained.

Jackie was speechless. She didn't know which was more shocking; Vegeta cheating on Bulma or helping Glitter with her hair gel. But she knew which one she preferred to have happened; good thing it was the one that did happen. Not wanting to talk to Glitter anymore she shut off the phone once more and threw it as far from the set as she could. Glitter would understand, she hoped.

"Can we do this 'interview' now? I have training to do!" Vegeta snapped, slightly miffed that his co-torturer of Jackie had been hanged up on.

"Right," Jackie said uncomfortably, "When did you get the idea to write the popular little kid's book _The Three little piggies and the big bad woof_?"

"I made a bet with Scarface that I could do anything he could do better," Vegeta said like it didn't matter.

"WHY DON'T YOU CARE? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" Jackie screeched, upset that Vegeta was taking this so calmly.

No one could take her questions without being a little shaken up. Then there's Vegeta who just admits it without even a second thought; he must not be human….Wait…..he wasn't human…..Jackie would just have to use the most powerful fact in the box, the one that made people in need of a shrink.

"It must have been hard being the only Barney fan, growing up on Frieza's spaceship," Jackie baited, hoping for a reaction from the proud Saiyan prince.

It worked like a charm. His face turned red from either anger or embarrassment; hopefully the viewers thought it was the later one. That one would make the ratings sky rocket!

"I'm right, aren't I?" Jackie asked, "Just admit it; you do know that your face is turning red?"

"I AM NOT A BARNEY FAN! I DESPISE THAT IDIOTIC EXCUSE FOR A DINOSAUR!" Vegeta yelled, breaking the armrests off in the process.

She'd ask for a Vegeta proof chair when she bought the new rope. Should she buy a dark red one or a black one? Jackie decided that she would have to ask the interior decorators their opinions. Or she could get neon blue, her favorite color. Yeah, that's what she would do.

"So you're a Dinosaur expert?" Jackie asked, acting more like her usually self.

"I AM NOT!" Vegeta yelled, "ONLY A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A SAIYAN WOULD BE!"

"So you're pathetic?" Jackie questioned, loving every second of it.

"NO!" Vegeta yelled, "I AM NOT!"

"Pathetic,"


	4. Yamcha

**A/N: If you have a character or idea you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review**

**Ren Rika/Danielle/Basil/Paprika**: All right, I'll let Yamcha go on the show. In fact *smirks* I have a feeling he won't be the only person added to the show…..

**Jokermask18**: I would love to do her this chapter, but I already agreed to let Yamcha go on. I promise she is next in the queue.

**Arien Desol**: I like the way you think! They have just been added to Jackie's agenda!

**glittergirl73**: Be careful, if my ego get's too big it could rival Vegeta's! I might write that into a one shot…..hmm….

**DFKJR**: She has been added to the list. I agree with you, but I have to be fair *pouts* and go in order of the requests.

Disclaimer: I have 4,000 zeni! WOO HOO! I might be able to avoid going to jail!

**THE REAL DBZ: YAMCHA**

Jackie was walking down the long hallway that led to the studio. It wouldn't have been as creepy if she didn't need to cut the electricity so the show would have more funds. Some of the people she interviewed were pretty expensive, especially today's victim. You would think that he'd not care that much about things like mountain spring water and pure gold tuxedos, like he said in _Off the Bat_ magazine. Never trust what someone says in a magazine.

Never.

The hallway was ideal for kidnappers, thieves, fan girls, and other kinds of criminals to conduct their activities without being noticed. It was a good thing they hadn't had Gohan or Mirai Trunks on the show yet; there would have been tons of fan girl's hiding in this hallway; trying to get some Demi saiyan booty. And fan girl's who would kidnap Jackie, impersonate her, and leave her locked in a closet.

"So what do I have to do again?" A young, childish voice asked.

"Stay quiet!" An older voice said; it sounded like a high schooler to Jackie, but she wasn't exactly sure.

Jackie was no fool; she knew that someone was following her. But she was confident that she could beat their a**ess without even trying. Vegeta had given her a private lesson yesterday after she inflated his ego some; most of it was true, since he was her favorite character. She had greatly improved her fighting skills; but maybe that's not the only thing that improved….

Her ego had swelled even more.

"Oops," the first voice said, "I'm sorry Danielle,"

"Whatever; let's get this over with so we can talk to Scarface," Danielle replied, sounding vexed at the other person.

Suddenly, three girls jumped in front of Jackie. She only had time to memorize their faces; short blonde with braces, tall frizzy haired brunette, and a freckly redhead. Before she could even start asking the blonde about where she got her braces, the redhead took out a large black sack and slid it over her head.

"You'll never get away with this! I'm Jackie Tanner for crying out loud!" Jackie said as she kicked the inside of the bag.

"Can it, girly," Danielle said, "We don't need any lip from you."

Jackie wasn't exactly happy to start with today. She had broken up with her boyfriend, Alejandro, a month ago. Then she sees him with that new girl Rebecca, acting like she never existed. Then, Mr. F had given her an A on her science test; not an A+ like usual. Finally, some old guy keeps stalking her and calling her…inappropriate things…..

Jackie shuddered inside of the bag; recalling those names made her want to hurl…again.

"Paprika; Give her the rules," Danielle commanded, causing whoever was holding the bag to halt; they must have been right outside of the studio.

"You do exactly what we say, and you won't get hurt," a new voice which Jackie identified as Paprika said, "If you don't…..You figure it out,"

"I don't wanna hurt her!" the childish voice from before said.

"Paprika! Tell your sister to be quiet!" Danielle ordered, her voice stern like a commanders.

"Basil," Paprika said, "Zip it!"

Jackie heard the doors creak open as her captors walked inside. She heard someone gasp, which she thought indicated that her victim was already there. If only he wasn't so weak, he might have been able to help her! She'd have to get on his case about training again next time she could….

"Now, I want you to announce the show," Paprika instructed her, "We're going to let you out of the bag,"

The bag opened up and Jackie caught saw the ever so familiar desk waiting for her. Her homework, hastily hidden inside one of the draws with the corner peeking out just enough to let her know it was for History. Her agenda for who goes next on the show, taped onto the top right hand corner.

She was never so glad to see that desk; that beautiful, beautiful desk. Jackie picked herself up and sat down on top of it, getting ready to do her task. Looking around the studio, Jackie saw that only the crew was there. Her victim must have still been outside the door, waiting for his queue.

"Welcome back to The Real DBZ," she said nervously, "I'm your host, Jackie Tanner. Today we have someone you should all know and a small percentage of you love. Why don't you come on out?"

The door opened and a heavenly choir began to play. Jackie snorted in disgust, that choir had come out of her hair dye budget. The blonde one, who she deduced to be Basil, looked at the scene in awe. Jackie might have too, if she was in Basil's situation. Yamcha walked out of the door, strutting in his pure gold tuxedo; like he was Kami's gift to women.

You thought she was kidding? HA!

Yamcha then lowered himself into the Victim chair where the rope, which was painted gold, snugly wrapped around him. A floating bottle of wine flew over to him and began to empty its contents into his mouth. Natasha, their makeup designer, walked over and began to give him a relaxing back massage.

Kami, Jackie wanted to smack that grin off of his face. But she restrained herself, not wanting to ruin the interview anymore if she could help it.

"So Yamcha, what have you been up too?" Jackie asked, feeling the three girls behind her.

Not noticing the other people in the room, "Had yet another undefeated season down at the baseball diamond," Yamcha replied with a shrug, as if it really didn't matter.

"Meet any girls?" Danielle asked from behind.

"Not really," Yamcha said, mistaking Danielle's voice for Jackie's.

"You sure about that?" Paprika asked as they slowly walked towards him, "Because something tells me otherwise,"

Yamcha finally looked up from his wine and saw the three girls slowly approaching him. He looked like a deer caught in the head lights as recognition flickered through his eyes. Almost immediately he began to struggle against his rope, but it only made it harder for him to escape. This rope was designed to get tighter the more you struggled, yet another Capsule Corp. product. Hopefully, this one would do what it was designed to on each victim.

"Isabelle…..Patricia…..Becca….," he stuttered, "What are you doing here?"

"My name isn't Becca!" Basil pouted, "Its Basil!"

"I'd would have hope you would remember our names, eh Yamcha?" Danielle said, ignoring Basil's protest, "Wouldn't you agree, Paprika?"

"That would have saved us some time, Danielle," Paprika said smugly.

Yamcha's face went white at their tone of voice. Jackie was slowly writing down possible ideas for torture down on a notepad as she pondered why they wanted to talk to Yamcha. It's not like he was popular or anything; he was just a weakling he gets killed so they don't have to deal with him anymore.

"What do you want?" Yamcha mumbled, his face getting so white it was nearly transparent.

"You promised us money for what we did last night," Danielle explained, "We are here to collect."

"I didn't like doing it!" Basil cried, "It wasn't nice!"

"QUIET YOU!" Danielle yelled, "Now are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

Yamcha nodded and jerked his head towards his pocket, "The moneys in there. But my hands are tied," he said.

Paprika walked towards the star baseball player and ripped his wallet out of his pocket. She patted him on the head and tossed the money to Danielle, who caught it easily.

"Next time you need someone to help you hack into a computer, don't come looking for us!" Danielle said as she kicked the door down and exited the building.

"Yeah! Don't come looking!" Basil squealed, running after Danielle and Paprika.

Jackie grinned evilly at Yamcha; she was in charge once again. Just like it should have been in the first place; she loved it. Plus, the idea's she got from Danielle, Paprika, and Basil were so much better than the ones she had before. This was going to be the best episode yet!

"You ready for the real interview?" Jackie asked the sill traumatized Yamcha.

"Yes…," He answered shakily, "Ask me anything….."

"When did you decide to take the role of Winnie the Pooh?" Jackie asked.

"Bulma said she loved animals," he muttered, too far out of it to realize what was happening.

Jackie nodded; she had expected him to be retaining a crush on Bulma, "When did you realize that Bulma was destined for someone else?"

"When I dreamt of her eating popcorn as she watched fight the Saiyans," Yamcha answered, "And acting all relived when Vegeta survived,"

"It must have been a good thing because you didn't have to pretend to like her ugly hair style," Jackie chuckled, "It was almost as bad as Mr. Satan's afro back then!"

Yamcha started to laugh, "You should have seen her face when she found out I wore ladies underwear!"

Jackie snickered until she realized what Yamcha had just told her; willingly told her.

"You wear ladies underwear!"


	5. Bulma

**A/N: If you have a character or idea you want Jackie to use, just leave it in a review. Also, I meant to post this earlier but something was wrong with my document manager. Oh well; can't help that.**

**Ren Rika**: He says it makes him feel free…..*shudders* Thanks for the zeni! I really appreciate it!

**glittergirl73**: Consider it done.

**sasukekun1997**: That's the second request I've had for him! He just got bumped up in the queue!

Disclaimer: I have good news and bad news. Good news: I have 4,600 zeni. Bad news: If I don't get the rest of the million zeni by the **25****th**** review special**, they will take me to jail! *holds up sign* Will Disclaim for food!

**THE REAL DBZ: BULMA BREIFS **

Jackie was sitting on the little black chair behind the desk today, working on her Algebra homework. This event had everyone in the studio shocked; the interns, the security guards, the fan girls, the fan boys, the onsite psychiatrists in case of mental break down, and the makeup artists.

Jackie wasn't sitting on the desk.

"Let's pretend X is 3 so Y would be….." Jackie mumbled to herself, "24….I think,"

Jackie used her blue mechanical pencil and quickly filled out the answer to the last question. Scanning the paper as fast as she could, she deemed the book unnecessary. Do you know what she does when something isn't needed? She chucks it.

"OW! MY FACE!" the cameraman screamed, falling to the ground in agony as he clutched his luscious, long, straight blonde hair.

Jackie looked up at this scream, usually Carl screamed in Chinese. Not a girlish scream that everyone could understand. Zooming in on where the cameramen always stand, Jackie saw that it was not Carl. This boy had puny muscles, a necklace that spelled I LOVE VIDEL and a bruise on the side of his face that somehow said I HATE YOU, SHARPNER!

"What are you doing here, Sharpner?" Jackie yelled, "No one requested you! Get out!"

The blonde ladies man of Orange Star High wouldn't take no for an answer. Everyone at his school knew that; even the rats and flies knew that. Poor Jackie, he was about to use his secret weapon; His 'Hollywood' good looks.

"Hey mini babe, Videl isn't here right now. You wanna take a ride in my sweet new car?" Sharpner attempted to say persuasively, unfortunately, it repulsed Jackie to the point of throwing up.

"Get out, or I _will_ make sure that you're on this show!" Jackie threatened, "And I'll be extra hard on you!"

Sharpner gulped and flew towards the Victim's entrance, opened up the door, and crashed into a certain blue haired genius.

**"HANDS OFF MY MATE!"** Vegeta's pre recorded voice echoed throughout the studio.

Sharpner paled even more as he heard a 'ghost' yell at him for touching someone. He then looked and discovered that he had bumped into the famous Bulma Briefs, now convinced that he was hallucinating…..or he was dead. But he was the top student of the almighty Mr. Satan, nothing could kill him! Bulma then smacked Sharpner since his hands were on her chest, and elbowed him out of the door before walking over to the chair.

"Sorry about that, Bulma," Jackie apologized, "I'll make sure to really punish him if he's on the show,"

"Don't worry Jackie," Bulma assured as the ropes securely wrapped around her, "Do you think you could untie me?"

Jackie's grin grew so big until she almost looked exactly like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. Her chocolate brown eyes seemed sinister, the only time you could describe Chocolate as evil without being nuts. Her hair began to blow up from an invisible wind; Bulma thought she was turning Super Saiyan for a second.

"Why should I?" Jackie asked, "It's what you deserve for ruining Yamcha's reputation,"

"What do you mean ruining his reputation?" Bulma questioned, her eyes narrowing dangerously, "He was the one that cheated on me, remember?"

Jackie almost felt sorry for the poor people she interviewed, almost mind you. The lengths they would go up to hide their dirt; even from themselves. It must be terrifying to have your deepest secrets revealed for all to know on global television; national wasn't big enough for Jackie Tanner. Of course, Jackie would hopefully never know how that felt; she _was_ the host, why would she torture herself?

"Bulma, there's no use in lying. You may have had other fooled but no one has ever been able to successfully lie to me. And if they did, the chair would shock them," Jackie pointed out, "Now, why don't you just admit that you were the one who cheated on Yamcha; not the other way around, like you led everyone to believe,"

Bulma opened her mouth to protest, but closed it upon remembering the evil powers of the chair. Her face turned fire engine red and you could hear the blood pumping in her ears until it stopped. The color retreated, not bothering to stop at her normal skin tone, and kept on going until she was as white as a sheet.

"Y-you know a-bout th-that?" She chattered, feeling the cold that her mini dress induced.

"I know everything; you always accused Yamcha of being a player when really, you were the player. I know that you dated each one of human Z fighters behind his back; you used to only order take out so you can let cute delivery boys have your number," Jackie accused.

Bulma's jaw dropped even more before she sighed, "I admit it," she said, "I used to be the cheater; used to. I'm mated to Vegeta now, and I can't cheat; besides, why would I want too? He's such a hunk!"

Jackie glanced at her list of facts on Bulma that she had written on her hand, mentally crossing off the first one. She was a little surprised that her victims had been admitting it so easily lately; she'd have to go to town on this one.

"You are the smartest scientist in the whole world, right?" Jackie asked.

"I sure am!" Bulma bragged, "I made the dragon radar when I was a teenager!"

"Then why can't you cook? If you can handle dangerous chemicals, can't you follow a recipe?" Jackie pressed, honestly wanting to know the answer to this one.

"Well….," Bulma paused, "it has to do with my dendrites. Cooking is more centered on the right side of your brain, the more artistic side. While inventions, chemicals, scientific reasoning is on the left side of your brain. I have _tons_ of dendrites on the left side of my brain, making science a snap for me. The right side of my brain doesn't have nearly as many dendrites as the left side does; fortunately, it hasn't affected my fashion sense!"

"In English for our simple minded viewers?" Jackie asked, understanding it herself, but not knowing if others could.

"Scientific matters come naturally to me. More artistic things do not," Bulma explained, "Can we go onto the next question? I left Trunks at home with Vegeta and the last time I did that, they blew up the Gravity Room!"

Jackie nodded at this explanation as she racked her brains for another question to torture her victim with. There was so many to choose from! If only this show had a long time slot, then she could really perfect her torturing methods! Alas, she would just have to use what she had. But no matter what, she was not making lemonade. When life gives her lemons, she squirts them in life's eye to see how life likes lemons then!

"Speaking of Trunks…..Why did you name him that? Do you have brain damage? Or are you a pervert?" Jackie asked the capsule corp. genius.

"I DO NOT HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE!" Bulma roared, "It's a family tradition! Besides, what kind of name is Jackie?"

Jackie narrowed her eyes and pressed the first button on her remote of doom.

"_Sugar, spice, and everything nice, These were the ingredients chosen, To create the perfect little girls, But Professor Utonium accidentally, Added an extra ingredients to the concoction-Chemical X, Thus, The Powerpuff Girls were born, Using their ultra-super powers, Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup, Have dedicated their lives to fighting crime, And the forces of evil,"_ played over and over again until Bulma was clutching her head in agony.

Bulma started to squirm in her chair until it fell over and began to roll around as she shrieked; the theme song was that bad. Jackie was very proud of her work; it didn't matter to her that it was horrible. She had become immune to annoying songs because of her six year old step-sister Robin played them over and over and over again….

"MAKE IT STOP!" Bulma cried, tears running down her perfect space.

Jackie smirked; today was a good day.


	6. Mr Satan

**A/N: If you have a character or idea you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Special thanks to Babie-Dollie for brainstorming with me! **

**glittergirl73**: I can't tell you much about it; but I guarantee it will make you laugh you're a** off. Thanks for the money!

**Ren Rika**: She has been added to the list, I honestly am shocked that no one's requested Gohan yet….oh well…. Did you and **glittergirl73** plan that together? Or was it a coincidence that I'm not allowed to know where BOTH of your money came from….

**Ferrice**: I've been waiting for someone to request him!

**Arien Desol**: Technically, I'd be a brave girl. But I must say that is one of the most helpful reviews I have ever received, I'll be sure to write those in. Too bad this takes place before Buu; maybe Jackie could get a time machine….

Disclaimer: 584,600 Zeni! I might be able to make it before I see Akira at the **25****th**** Review Special**! Of course, I'd have to tell him that I do not own DBZ….

**THE REAL DBZ: MR. SATAN**

"OH YEAH, I'M THE CHAMP!" the victim cried from behind the door, "NO ONE CAN STOP ME!"

Jackie sighed; the good news was that the next victim had agreed all too easily to come on the show. The bad news was that he kept chanting that over and over again; like someone actually cared about him making a fool of himself. Someone besides the six million reporters and seven million fans who would dream about meeting The Hercule Satan.

Jackie dreamed about world domination. The soldiers, bodyguards, posters, palaces, total obedience, as many weapons as you can imagine….what wasn't there to love?

"I DEFEATED CELL!" the victim yelled, jerking Jackie from her pleasant train of thought.

Jackie shook her head and nodded at the crew to get ready; she hadn't even begun the interview and she was getting a headache. It was worth it when she enjoyed meeting the victim, despite popular opinion that she hated them all. She was just doing her job, she had to pay her bills somehow; hair dye isn't cheap.

"Welcome back to The Real DBZ!" Jackie said cheerfully, "I am still Jackie Tanner and if you think I'm not the host, please email me the name of the asylum you're locked up in! Today we have one of the biggest idiots to ever appear on television, Hercule Satan!"

Did he not hear that stab at his ego? Did he block out all voices that weren't screaming his name? Did his afro interfere with his hearing? Or were the Z fighters right about everything they told him going in one ear and out the other? It was up to Jackie Tanner to find out; she'd die trying if she had too. She'd rather not die, but she was willing to do it; she was that dedicated.

The Champion opened the door and strutted out; without looking, he sat down in the Victim chair. Or tried to since the chair was a good two or three feet to the left; nursing his sore behind, Hercule made sure this time that the chair was actually there. He didn't want his loving and adoring fans to think that he was a clumsy fool, his ex wife thinking that was bad enough. Hercule didn't want to disappoint his fans too.

"Here's my autograph," Hercule said, handing a glossy photo over to the stunned teen, "I don't usually do this, but that photo is free of charge!"

Jackie Blinked.

Was he trying to bribe her into making him look good? Or was he just plain stupid? That must have been it; why would he think she wanted a Hercule Satan autograph? She _did_ know that he didn't defeat Cell, even if the Z fighters made her sign a non-disclosure contract.

"Umm….thank you," She said, "Why don't we get started?"

"OH YEAH! IT'S TIME TO MAKE THE ROOF SHAKE!" Hercule roared, "YOU'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED SOMEONE LIKE ME! I'M LIGHTNING FAST, MY MOUTH IS A BLUR!"

Jackie growled from frustration; how conceited and idiotic could someone be? It shouldn't be possible for him to behave like this! Jackie took out her mental scouter and gasped from shock; his annoyingness levels were over 9,000! It was Impossible!

"Right," Jackie said, "Don't you think you should let Videl know that you are an undercover agent for the Ginyu Force? Shouldn't she know about how they trained you and taught you how to pose?"

Hercule snorted, "AS IF SOMEONE COULD POSE BETTER THAN THE CHAMP!"

Jackie held her ears in pain; this guy did not know when to yell and when to…not yell. In his case, yelling should be illegal. It would make the world a better place not only for her, but for the Saiyans and Namekians as well. How they put up with that kind of strain on their ears, Jackie had no idea.

"I don't care about how good your poses are," Jackie said abruptly, "But doesn't Videl deserve to know the truth?"

"Know the truth about what?" Hercule asked, "All I heard you say was: You… trained… how… to… pose,"

"Dende, Give me strength," Jackie muttered under her breath, "I'm going to say this slowly, nod if you understand."

"OH YEAH! LET'S DO THIS!" Hercule said as he nodded his head so much his hair was still shaking after he had stopped.

"YOU WORKED FOR GINYU!" she yelled, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL VIDEL?"

Hercule began to protest, "MY STOMACH HURTS! IT MAKES MY CLOTHES CLASH AND MAKES ME LOOK FAT! THAT FREAKY GREEN PUPPET IN THE TRASH CAN CALLED ME A MUFFIN TOP, EVEN THOUGH MY SHIRT IS CLEARLY A BAGEL TOP! VIDEL IS AN OLD WORD FOR FOOD! GINYU SOUNDS LIKE PING PONG!" he yelled to high heavens, or in this case, King Yemma's desk.

Jackie blinked. She blinked again. Then she…..blinked. I bet you can't guess what she's going to do next, huh? You think she's going to blink? HA! Wrong! She turned into a super saiyan and wacked him around…..I wish...Turns out you were right…..she blinked.

"That was a lovely speech, Mr. Satan," she said sarcastically, "But not nearly as nice as your wig! Remind me what kind of poodle fur it's made from?"

Jackie could literally see the gears turning inside of the world champions head. Sure, they were rusty and slow after years of neglect and being mistreated. But after a good interview, she was sure that they would run at least .1% faster….or slower…..depends on how he deals with his reputation being ruined by a teenage girl.

The champion was mentally looking for ways to take her question as a compliment. He could say 'Would you like fries with that?'…..but he had an odd feeling that this girl was British. Hercule didn't even know what British meant, but he was sure it had to do something with toenail clippings. Or he could say 'Bob the Builder can he fix it? Yes he can!'….too bad he forgot what a Bob was…..

"I would have got away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" He said determined that he wasn't weird.

Jackie put her head in her hands. All she wanted was a simple answer or an elaborate denial; she never asked for him to quote Scooby Doo! Whatever the champion of the world was on, Jackie was certain that it was illegal. He was such a hypocrite; he had even gone to her school and told them to say 'No' to drugs and alcohol. She had to do something fast; something no one would expect.

That's when she knew exactly what to do. If anything could get through to him, then this would have to work. There was no chance it could fail; not even Murphy's Law would dare to challenge it. Jackie pressed the fourth button on her remote, causing a TV screen to lower from the ceiling. Smiling, she watched as the screen activated and began to play a video saved for this kind of emergency.

_Hercule Satan appeared on the screen, wearing the Japanese flag as a toga. He had red glasses that looked like they were from the 60's and had a lime green headband to keep his afro up. Hercule pulled out a pink Barbie guitar from behind his back and began to play the popular song __**Call me when you're sober**__._

"_YOU NEVER CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER!" he sang in a surprisingly high pitched voice._

_He then began to play a massive guitar solo which was too much for the little pink Barbie toy. It promptly exploded, causing Mr. Satan to pause. His eyes darted back in forth as he searched for whoever made his guitar explode, it hadn't occurred to him that he had caused it. Looking behind him, he saw a small child staring at him. It could only be one person: the Delivery boy._

"_DON'T HURT ME, MISTER DELIVERY BOY!" Hercule wailed._

_The child stepped into the light and scowled, "Dad, have you been drinking again?" the child asked._

"How'd you get that tape?" Hercule questioned, "I thought I destroyed it when I bought some nightlights…to keep _him_ away."

"To keep who away, Mr. Satan?" Jackie asked with a fake mask of politeness that she was well known for.

Mr. Satan began to sob as he glared up at Jackie, "THE DELIVERY BOY!" he wailed, "AND HE'S GOT IT IN FOR ME! THE LARGE YELLOW BIRD TOLD ME! AND THE WEIRD RED THING SAID HE'S PLANNING MY FUNERAL!"

Realizing that Hercule talked to Sesame Street characters, Jackie thought of the first character that came to mind. It was her favorite; she hated it when they made him love Vegetables. Come on, what's with shows and vegetables? No one likes them! Not even Vegeta likes them and he was named after them!

"What did the blue puppet who eats cookies tell you?" She asked curiously, understanding that Hercule didn't know their names.

"He said…..," Hercule paused, "It was ok that I wet the bed….."


	7. Mr Popo

**A/N: If you have an idea or character for Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Part of this was co-written by Ren Rika, it's the Goku vs. Vegeta part.**

**Ren Rika**: If only you saw my mental image of Jackie, then you could realize why that comment cracks me up. But since you can't see it, I can only describe it: a mini Android 18 with brown eyes.

**Arien Desol**: Aww shucks, that made my day…..or night…I guess torture just comes naturally to me. Though, my friend Babie-Dollie did give me one little idea last chapter. I love your ideas!

**glittergirl73**: YAY! THE TORTURE SHALL CONTINUE!

**Chibi Princess 48**: Aye aye, captain!

**Jumpshot25**: THANK YOU! I HAVE ENOUGH!

**Ferrice**:…..How do you know they're not real…*looks around nervously*

Disclaimer: 10,703,600 zeni! I can pay Akira! I can afford to buy Jackie a co host! I can buy her a hearing aid! The **25****th**** Review Special** is coming up soon…..Did I forget something…..I hope it wasn't important…..

**THE REAL DBZ: MR. POPO**

Jackie glanced to the left, then to the right, then up, the up again, and finally she looked down. Each time she saw a shadow she jumped like Freiza was breathing on her neck, asking if he could borrow some lipstick. Not that she would mind, Glitter gave her too much lipstick for her birthday every year; Glitter just didn't understand that all she wanted was the magazine _Torture Monthly_. But that wasn't why Jackie was looking around; for the longest time, it seemed that she was interrupted before she could start the show. The coast was clear; she would be able to start the show on time!

"Welcome back to The Real DBZ," Jackie greeted, "I'm your host, Jackie Tanner. Have you ever noticed days when you just got lucky? That means that Dende wasn't watching over Earth, today we have the guy responsible for you're good luck! Will Mr. Popo come on out?"

The door opened as a heavenly choir began to sing, illuminating the studio with a brilliant golden glow. Soft, green grass carpeted the studio floor as the black genie skipped out of the waiting room as he sung the Fairly Odd Parents theme song. Despite the fact that the victim chair wasn't that far from the door, it felt like it took Mr. Popo hours to take a single step. Fed up with this waste of time, Jackie literally pulled the plug on this little nightmare/paradise.

The green grass, choir, birds, and money falling from the sky were all animation so they disappeared. Leaving Mr. Popo singing as he still didn't realize what had happened to his entrance décor.

"_the doom and gloom, up in his room, is broken instantly, by his magic little fish, who grant his every wish, cause in reality..."_ Mr. Popo sang slightly off key, drifting off as he sat down in the victim chair.

The old, withered, slightly beat chair seemed to lighten up as the genie sat on it. The wood that it was constructed of looked fresher and it seemed to be smiley at the world. None the less, Jackie was scared and annoyed at this. One third of her wanted to smack him and that chair as hard as she could, the other third wanted to get this over with. The last third wanted to torture him until he cried; do I have to tell you which third won?

"Let's get started," Jackie said as she tried to get Mr. Popo to look her in the eye, "I'm over here!"

Mr. Popo nodded, "Mr. Popo can see that," he said as his eyes looked in a completely different direction than Jackie.

"What? Do you have stickers for eyes?" Jackie asked, annoyed because she thought he wasn't paying attention to her.

Mr. Popo began to chuckle at that comment which only made Jackie angrier. No one laughed at THE Jackie Tanner and got away with it; or at least, that's what she claimed.

"WHATS SO F&%*$#% FUNNY YOU D#* PYSCHOPATH?" She cursed at the beloved Mr. Popo.

"Jackie," he said soothingly, "Mr. Popo is laughing because Mr. Popo's eyes are stickers. Mr. Popo doesn't really have eyes; Mr. Popo uses his genie powers to see."

No wonder his eyes are so…..creepy. Jackie was shocked that she didn't recognize those as stickers from the very beginning! It was a dead giveaway since the corner of the left eye was peeling off, how could no one of noticed that? Jackie shuddered from the cold, disturbing feeling she got from staring at Mr. Popo's face. The sooner this interview was done with, the healthier mentally she would be.

"You are a genie, correct?" Jackie clarified, already knowing that the answer was yes.

"Mr. Popo is an immortal genie," he said, "who serves the Guardians of Earth,"

Jackie nodded at the odd genie; she had been slowly getting too used to him talking in the third person. Even if it was kind of scary…What kind of normal person talks like that? But Mr. Popo is normal; otherwise, he wouldn't be Mr. Popo.

"Then why don't you grant wishes? And if you do grant wishes, why haven't you used them to bring people back to life?" Jackie pointed out, "Bulma, Krillen, and Gohan would have never need to go to Planet Namek,"

Mr. Popo frowned at Jackie, his odd red lips turned blue when that happened. Jackie already knew that she preferred him with his happy red lips than those…freaky blue ones. It was almost as scary as the idea of Android 17 and Freiza fusing….Or maybe Goten and Mr. Satan…

"Mr. Popo cannot grant wishes because Mr. Popo dropped out of genie school," Mr. Popo said, "I was very lucky that the Elder Guardian took me on, if he did not then I would be trapped inside of a lamp. Mr. Popo is afraid of lamps, they are dark and cold. Like Raditz's soul…."

"Are you going to protest at anything?" Jackie asked, "Quite frankly, this is kind of boring,"

"My apologies, Jackie," Mr. Popo said, "Mr. Popo cannot protest the truth. It is not in Mr. Popo's nature to,"

Jackie sighed, if she wanted to get good rating for the show they needed to see insanity. Madness, Drunken Rage, Tantrums, Hello Kitty, Tensions rising, and Blood pressure increasing in each second. She would need to use her back up plan….again, it had worked so well with Mr. Satan that it just might work with Mr. Popo, too. After all, they both loved showing off their chests.

Jackie took out her little remote with _x_ amount of buttons on it, and pressed the fourth button. The TV once again lowered from the ceiling, but it seemed more exited to come down then it was yesterday. Maybe it was that new channel upgrade Jackie bought it with the money her producer gave her, Maybe the TV was a Mr. Popo fan; or maybe, it couldn't wait to ruin someone's day.

_Goku is standing in front of a computer defensively, like he defending it from certain doom. In this case he was, since Vegeta was extending his hand towards it, ready to fire a ki blast as soon as the coast was clear._

"_NOT THE CARROT COLORS! ANYTHING BUT THE CARROT COLORS!" Goku yelled, hoping that it would convince Vegeta to spare the carrot colors._

_Vegeta smirks in Super Saiyan state, "GET OUT OF THE WAY, KAKAROT! YOU CAN'T PROTECT THE CARROT COLORS!"_

"_YOU CAN'T DESTROY THE CARROT COLORS! THEY'RE A PART OF MY NAME!" Goku points out._

_Vegeta rolls his eyes at the younger saiyan warrior, as if to say 'I'm so far above you that I can't bear looking at you'. He probably would say that…_

"_Kakarot, you idiot! You don't use that name any more!" Vegeta informs him._

_A look of understanding dawns upon Goku's face, "Oh….But it's not nice to hurt carrots! They have feelings too!" He said, sticking his bottom lip out._

"_Feelings my A**, I'm going to blast them to HFIL," Vegeta says darkly, laughing a bit at the end._

_Goku somehow got closer to the computer, tensing his muscles to fight at a moment's notice, "No, I'm not gonna let you," he says like a child._

"_Stop acting like a child, Kakarot. We're warriors!" Vegeta protested, powering up his deadly ki blast even more._

"_Oh! Oh! I know that word! Chi Chi taught it to me yesterday!" Goku said proudly, puffing out his chest, "It means Ugly Beef Heads who have no concern for a child's education and abandons their families for long periods of time. Not even bothering to give their sons advice on how to get a girlfriend and make some grandbabies!"_

Jackie blushed, "Wrong button," she explained before pressing the right button.The video of Goku and Vegeta stopped and was replaced by another video.

"_Mr. Popo, I'm going to see a movie with Gohan," Dende's voice called from off screen._

"_Have fun, Dende," Mr. Popo called as he dug through his closet._

_He threw numerous sashes, belts, vests, and the occasional bra out of his closet until he stopped. There, in all its glory, was an orange and blue gee. Grinning to himself at his success, Mr. Popo grabbed it and slid it over his head. Mr. Popo looked at himself in the mirror and realized something was missing; something important._

_He took off his turban, letting his long silky blonde hair fall to his shoulders. Mr. Popo used hair gel to spike it upwards towards the ceiling; by the time he was done, the full bottle had been emptied._

"_Mr. Popo's name is Goku and this is his home!" Mr. Popo said, forgetting that Goku did not talk in the first person._

_Mr. Popo then jumped up into the air and began doing weak kamehameha at a manikin he had taped a picture of Freiza onto. The picture was taking completely by surprise as 'Goku' obliterated it!_

"_Freiza cannot defeat Goku!" Mr. Popo said, "He is the strongest ever!"_

_That's when the paper came for a comeback and flew right into Mr. Popo's face._

"_Oh no! Goku cannot see! This paper blocks his genie powers!" Mr. Popo cried, dropping onto the floor as he tried to remove the deadly paper._

"FREIZA!" Mr. Popo yelled from the victim chair, "HE WILL GET YOU! AND YOU'RE LITTLE PAPER, TOO!"

Jackie blinked, "What are you on?"

"HE IS THE STRONGEST EVER! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT HIM!"

"Seriously," Jackie said, "What are you on?"

"NEVER, AND HE MEANS NEVER, FREIZA!"


	8. 25th Review Special!

**A/N: Every now and then, I will write a special for a certain amount of reviews. Sometimes I won't even tell you guys about it! This does NOT and I repeat NOT affect the story…**

**Ren Rika**: Jackie says: They're pretty cool, especially Paprika. Basil reminds me of my little sister a bit while Danielle reminds me of my friend Cassie….she's in juvie… I'll keep that in mind…..*evil grin*

**Arien Desol**: Any ideas you have, I'm game for.

**glittergirl73**: CALM DOWN! I promise you that Android 17 is…..almost…..next in her agenda! You know, I might even bring on Mirai 17 as well….

**sasukekun1997**: That's a great idea!

**Ferrice**: I do try to be as original as possible…

Disclaimer: Fine, take them *passes characters over to mean lawyers* Wait….HEY! GIVE HER BACK! *grabs Jackie* SHE'S MINE, SO BUZZ OFF! *growls* AND YOU! *turns at reviewers* I ONLY OWN JACKIE, AND I AM NOT GIVING HER UP!

**THE REAL DBZ: 25****TH**** REVIEW SPECIAL**

"All Rise, for the honorable Judge Dende of Earth!" Mr. Popo cried out.

Everyone in the Pristine, white court room remained seated despite Mr. Popo's orders. Maybe they were freaked out that he didn't really have eyes; perhaps McDonald's messed up their order that morning and only gave them three chicken nuggets instead of five. Maybe those videos scarred them for life. Or maybe they didn't want to stand for someone half their height….Whatever their reason was did not matter, all that did matter was that they remained firmly planted in their seats.

"Mr. Popo said to rise for the honorable Judge Dende of Earth," Mr. Popo said a little louder, thinking that the audience didn't hear him.

Instead of the sound of people pushing themselves out of their chairs, quieting their babies, dropping their phones, and fixing their hair like Mr. Popo expected; there was dead silence. Well, not completely silent since Gregory the Cricket…..Grasshopper…thing…was chirping in the back row. This made Mr. Popo a little bit vexed, and even Goku knows that you don't want to see Mr. Popo angry; he could give Chi Chi a run for her money!

"Why are you all not rising for the honorable Judge Dende?" Mr. Popo questioned, hoping to get his answer.

"Simple," Android 18 replied, "He's not honorable,"

"Oh," Mr. Popo said, "Rise for Judge Dende of Earth!"

There were a few grumbles and the odd complaint but everyone seemed ok with it since Mr. Popo left out the honorable part. Dende walked inside the courtroom and flew up on top of the judge's podium, kicking his feet up.

"Let's get to business, Popo," Dende said carelessly as he sipped a strawberry banana smoothie, complete with a little pink umbrella.

"Yes, Dende," Mr. Popo said, looking at his script, "The Cast of Dragonball Z is suing Jackie Tanner and…..Wisteria22,"

Dende raised one of his invisible green eyebrows, "What kind of name is Wisteria22?" he asked rudely.

Mr. Popo was going to reply to the little guardian until he saw what Dende was reading. Mr. Popo wasn't too pleased to see that on the lap was something that belonged under Master Roshi's bed; Mr. Popo didn't even like to see it there. Quick as lighting, Mr. Popo stole the offensive magazine and ripped it into shreds; dropping them on top of Dende's podium one by one.

"HEY! I WAS READING THAT!" Dende said, his smoothie temporarily forgotten.

"Wisteria22 is her author pen name," Mr. Popo explained, "We don't know her real name,"

Dende took a particularly long sip of his smoothie before answering, "Then we'll call her Wisteria,"

"Like I could not have come up with that!" A voice from the back called out, it sounded suspiciously like Freiza.

Dende narrowed his eyes and tried to ignore that comment. But it was hard not to since the Ginyu Force decided to practice their poses in front of the brick walls they thought were mirrors. That was the last time they served Alcohol before court started.

"Popo, bring them in," Dende commanded with a lazy wave of his green hand, "And get me a refill!"

Mr. Popo bowed respectfully to Dende before exiting the courtroom. When he returned he was carrying a chain with two teenage girls attached to it, both of them wearing prison orange. Everyone recognized the blonde haired girl as Jackie Tanner; her eyes were narrow as she stared hatefully at each person in the courtroom.

Yamcha soiled himself from sheer terror.

The second girl was a little taller than Jackie, with bushy red hair that stopped at her shoulder. Even Goku knew who this girl was; she was none other than Wisteria22. Her smile may have been friendly but she was sizing people up like she was going into a fight. Mr. Popo chained them to the Defendant's Table before refilling Dende's strawberry smoothie.

"Popo, we can't have the entire cast of Dragon Ball Z come up here!" Dende pointed out, "Do you know how big King Cold, King Yemma, and the Ox King are? I can only deal with two of them up here! Go have them pick some representatives,"

"Yes, Dende," Mr. Popo said before turning to the audience, "I need two volunteers: one villain and one goody two shoes,"

Almost immediately, Frieza's hand shot up in the air. Deciding that he needed to be higher up, he stood on the shoulders of the Ginyu Force while waving frantically. But he wasn't the only one who wanted to speak; in fact most people were surprised when she raised her hand. They had never thought that she would be volunteering for this, she usually was the one telling them to not do something; now she was volunteering to do this herself.

"Would Freiza and Son Chi Chi, please come on up?" Mr. Popo asked politely, "And take a seat at the vacant table,"

The proud mother of two walked up to the table, zeroing in on _her_ victims. Jackie shivered; was this how her victims felt? No wonder they were mentally scarred! Wisteria looked at Chi Chi interested, as if she was hiding a deep dark secret. Frieza strutted up, wearing a tuxedo so the smaller children didn't see him naked….

"Would Freiza please read the charges?" Dende requested.

"Gladly, we, the cast of Dragon Ball Z, find that Miss Jackie Tanner and Miss Wisteria22 are guilty of cyber bullying and threats against our well being," Freiza read, "We also find Miss Tanner guilty of first degree lipstick theft."

Dende sipped his smoothie. Mr. Popo checked his nails, making sure they were black as always. Chi Chi smirked proudly, like no one could defeat her. Gohan cowered since he could see the tip of the frying pan sticking out of Chi Chi's pocket.

"Prosecution, you're up. I chose Freiza to go first," Dende said slightly slurred.

"Hey! Why can't I go up?" Chi Chi protested, mad that she had not gotten to do anything in the first three minutes of the case.

"Because of what your name means in Spanish," Dende winked, "That's why,"

Chi Chi banged her fists on the table before sitting down, pouting as she stabbed an effigy of Dende with a small needle. Then burned it with a lighter; then danced on the ashes. After this was done, Chi Chi would pull out another effigy and start all over again.

"I call Jackie Tanner to the stand!" Freiza said.

"I'd love to, sadly, I'm a little tied up," Jackie said, "Besides, we don't have enough money to afford a stand. Wisteria spends it all on iTunes gift cards,"

"HEY! Bubblegum Cyber is a good song!" Wisteria defended, looking a little pissed at Jackie, "I thought you up! How could you betray me? WHY! WHY MUST IT END LIKE THIS?"

Dende looked shocked as Wisteria cried with her head on her chains since she couldn't get her hands close enough. Her tear stained face was nearly as red as her hair; it seemed like all of the happiness was being sucked from the room. Jackie didn't even seem to be able to resist that level of sadness, it was happening slowly but Jackie was learning to be empathetic.

"I'm sorry, Wisteria. I didn't mean it, honest," Jackie said soothingly, "You're going to be all right; I'll buy you a gift card,"

Wisteria took her head off of the desk and grinned like a Cheshire cat, "You're all such pushovers! I can't believe you fell for that!" she said while laughing her head off.

"If you are quite finished, I want to sue you for everything you've got!" Frieza seethed.

Wisteria laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed…and laughed and laughed and laughed and giggled then laughed and…..and…..and….umm…..laughed….and laughed…..then what…..it's on the tip of my tongue…oh yes…she laughed.

"Ok, now I'm done," Wisteria said calmly, giving Freiza her utmost attention.

"Thank you, Miss Wisteria," Freiza said, "Now back-"

"Your welcome," Wisteria interrupted, enjoying how annoying she was being to Freiza.

"Any more interruptions, Miss 22," Freiza said, stressing her 'last name'.

Wisteria looked up at the ceiling like she was thinking of each action she was going to do. She must have had a very long list because she was sitting like that for a good half an hour with the occasional mumble before she smiled at Freiza.

"I don't think so," Wisteria said, "But you never know….."

"AS I WAS SAYING BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED BY THAT LITTLE SHE DEVIL!" Freiza said, jabbing his thumb towards Wisteria, "I would like to ask you a few questions, Miss Tanner. I expect you will answer them truthfully or…I WILL KILL YOU!"

Jackie rolled her head, working a few kinks in her neck out, "All right, I'm game," she said confidently despite the high stakes for lying.

"What is…," Freiza paused, "Your favorite lipstick shade?"

"Black," Jackie answered without thinking.

"What is my favorite lipstick shade?" Freiza asked, his eyes overflowing with confidence.

Wisteria would have called him a Peacock. She would have said he was the cockiest peacock of them all; but she would be lying. She knew someone who was far cockier than any Dragon Ball Z character. His name was Edward, but she called him Elf. Who likes the name Edward anyways? It only reminded her of that Twilight Garbage!

"Violet with a dash of auburn," Jackie said mindlessly, "Where do you buy that anyways?"

"Wall Mart of course, It's the only store that has a location in HFIL!" Freiza answered, "I'm done questioning you now,"

"You are?" Wisteria asked.

"I wasn't talking to you!" Freiza snapped, "I was talking to THE Jackie Tanner! How can you not know that? Aren't you the one writing this insane piece, making me go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about pointless common day items!"

Wisteria paused to think for a moment. Maybe she shouldn't make Freiza drabble like that, it's not like that's what they always do! They certainly do no talk forever about pointless things while warming up for a fight or just stand there, thinking about someone who needs them there as soon as possible, instead of flying! Right?

"Aww…..You have a little crush on Jackie! Don't you Freiza Weiza!" Wisteria said in a cute little baby voice, pinching Freiza's cheeks mentally.

"How can I? I don't know what my f%^#$* gender is!" Freiza turned to face Akira in the crowd, "WHY DID YOU MAKE ME TRANSGENDER! I HAVE PREFERNCES OF A GIRL, YET A BODY OF A MAN! MAKE UP YOUR MIND, YOU PERVERT!"

Akira blinked at Freiza and then sipped HIS strawberry banana smoothie, "No comment," he said to the reporters that always followed him around like he had super powers or something.

Freiza smacked his head with his hand; Akira would never understand the torture he had put them through. Freiza hadn't wanted to be a warrior until Akira needed at villain to destroy the Saiyan race; Freiza had wanted to be a run way model. Fake brown hair flowing behind him, dressed in the finest jewels in the galaxy, the adoring fans, the photographers, the awards! Akira had left him a hollow shell of his former self, forced to obey the plot lines like an adoring puppet.

"Prosecution calls Miss Wisteria22 to the stand…..never mind, just stay where you are," Freiza said, "Why did you decide to torture us? ANSWER ME, GIRL!"

Wisteria looked at him with a bored expression, "Something to do," she said tiredly.

Freiza's eyebrows rose, "Are you sure it isn't because you have no social life?" he questioned.

Wisteria let out a small chuckle, "Says the guy whose father tried to replace him a minute after his death," she commented, "Though, I do say Mirai Trunks is an excellent choice…"

Mirai Trunks blushed. Vegeta was angry and amused that King Cold thought his future son would be an excellent replacement for Freiza's strength. Mirai Gohan and Mirai Bulma patted him on the back during a fit of giggles. Oh Dende, Mirai Trunks wished he was invisible….

"ENOUGH! BACK TO THE QUESTIONS!" Freiza roared, "NAME THREE BOOKS AND THEN MAYBE I'LL BELIEVE YOU!"

"Found by Margaret Peterson Haddix; The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan; the Silver chair by C.S. Lewis," Wisteria rattled off without even thinking about it.

Freiza looked proud of himself; he looked like he had just won the Nobel Prize. But from the look in his eyes, you wouldn't dream of it being the Peace Prize. It just was not possible. Unless killing the Saiyan race qualified as an act of peace, it would never happen.

Vegeta would make sure of it.

"SEE!" Freiza demanded towards the judge, "She's a bookworm! And the very worst kind at that! She knows how to torture!"

Dende turned his smoothie glass upside down when finding no more of the delicious contents inside. Mr. Popo immediately brought Dende a fresh glass, giving him a little bow before moving out of the way. Jackie and Wisteria sighed in unison, they wanted smoothies too.

"That all you got to say, cherry lips?" Dende asked, picking at a scab on the back of his green godly hand.

Freiza nodded at Dende, a little ticked off about the cherry lips comment. It was all Akira's fault! He was going to be writing him a very nasty letter! And he would make sure Santa Clause heard about this! Akira wouldn't be getting any presents for Christmas for a long time!

"Jury, have you reached a verdict?" Dende asked.

Kami, Videl, Sharpner, Erasa, Lime, and Angel nodded their heads at the Judge. Videl snatched the paper away from Angela who had stood up to read the verdict. Angela began crying as Videl snarled barbarically at her, causing Angela to curl up in a ball near Erasa's feet. Kami sighed at this behavior; who knew teenagers could be so…..violent?

"We find Wisteria22 guilty of all charges and Jackie Tanner guilty of all but first degree lipstick theft," Videl said, "We also find Wisteria22 guilty of having a weird name,"

"All right," Dende said, "Miss Jackie Tanner, I sentence you to talking in an odd accent or style for the next one or two interviews,"

"Can do, mate," Jackie said, lying back in her chair, somehow eating a pack of jellybeans.

Wisteria yawned like she was bored with the trial. It wasn't like they could sue her for everything she had and lock her up for years!

"Miss Wisteria22, I sentence you to writing another special once you have 50 reviews. I also sentence you to telling us the origins of you weird name," Dende commanded.

Wisteria began to balance a pencil on her nose, when it feel of she just shrugged, "Easy, Wisteria is the name of a character in an original story I'm writing. 22 is the name of one of an OC I came up with,"

"Case closed," Dende said, slamming his gavel down on the podium, "And good riddance to all of you!"


	9. Launch

**A/N: If you have an idea or character you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Don't own the Song Monster Mash….**

**Babie-Dollie**: Lol, see you tomorrow! Can't believe you called Frieza a chick! I totally agree with you! Wish you didn't die laughing though….

**Arien Desol**: Thanks again for your review! Your ideas inspire even more ideas. By the way, a certain male android is next….*laughs evilly*

**Ferrice**: I can and I can tell you, it's not pretty.

**glittergirl73**: Yes! Let us celebrate!

**Ren Rika**: *pats back soothingly* don't worry, I had a backup plan. If they were going to kill me I would just beg Goku for protection, if he showed Freiza mercy then he'd have to protect me. I don't know if I'll ever write about 22….

**Pika-Chan**: Interesting idea….Mind if I tweak it a bit?

Disclaimer: Greg rode down the long long hill, it was a hill and it was long. Since Greg's name is Greg and he is riding down a very long long hill, we can assume that DBZ is not owned by me because of the long long hill.

**THE REAL DBZ: LAUNCH**

_"I was working in the lab late one night, when my eyes beheld an eerie sight, for my monster from his slab began to rise, and suddenly to my surprise….."_

A short girl with black and white hair began to dance on top of Jackie's desk, her white animal print jacket with red lining whipping around her as she swayed in time to the song.

"He did the mash, He did the monster mash!" She sang into a hairbrush, "The monster mash, It was a graveyard smash!"

The entire studio was decked out in orange a black balloons, streamers, skeletons, spider webs, and a live bat flying around the ceiling. Jackie's desk had been spray painted black with little skulls strewn across the top. The lighting had been replaced with an old fashioned chandelier that creaked each time someone moved.

"He did the mash, it caught on in a flash," she sung as she jumped off of the desk, "he did the mash, he did the monster mash,"

The mini Cruella Deville began to kick her legs up high into the air, dancing her way towards the victim door. There were only a couple things on the mind of the crew: Where was Jackie? Who the BEEP is this girl? I can't wait to go trick or treating!

The mini Cruella turned towards the camera and smiled, her freshly applied lipstick and white face paint shining from the light.

"Velcome back to The Real DBZ," she said in a dark voice with a slight lisp, the kind of tone people use when pretending to be monsters, "My personal favorite character vill be joining me, Jackie Tanner, today on October 31st,"

Smoke spilled out from behind the door, bathing the room in an unnatural fog. The brass door knob slowly turned, creaking noisily as a howling wind appeared from out of nowhere. Pounding could be heard from the distance as Carl the Cameraman screamed like a little girl.

Jackie was positively delighted. This was payback. Next time the cast of DBZ asks them about her whereabouts, hobbies, personality they BETTER not recommend lawyers. Even if she only had to talk in the odd, ghoulish accent for 1-2 shows she didn't like the bad reviews she received. Even _Fifteen_, Jackie's favorite magazine, had shown her in an ill light in their latest issue. To make a long story short, she wasn't exactly happy with the crew. She was pissed.

A sweet, dark blue haired woman with a red bow skipped out from behind the victim door. Good Launch smiled affectionately at Jackie before ruffling her hair.

"Aww!" She squealed, "You are such a cutie! I wish Tien and I had a daughter as sweet as you!"

Jackie's eye twitched as she grabbed an orange and black feather out of nowhere. The author isn't even kidding about that, Jackie just reached her hand out and _poof_ a feather was there. It scared Wisteria so much she called the DBZ hotline and had Goku guard her house for the entire night. Ah, I'm getting off topic aren't I? Oh well…where was I?

The Cruella Deville look alike then slapped Launch in the face, causing the pretty blue haired woman to gasp in shock. No one had ever hit Launch before because Good Launch's life was all lollipops and rainbows. Don't forget the magical ponies!

NEVER forget the magical ponies or else…well, you can figure it out. And if you can't, then it's too late for you…..

Jackie then proceeded to tickle Launch in the nose with the feather, not even bothering to be sneaky or tricky about it. She just wanted to meet her idol. The one woman that inspired a majority of her torture ideas, the person who single handedly defeated the gingerbread boy, the real murderer in the three little pigs.

Good Launch began to inhale little puffs of air, indicating a sneeze coming on. Jackie was positive that the blue hair would turn to blonde in only a matter of seconds, it was just too easy. Launch sniffed repeatedly, inhaling as much air as possible. There was no way Good Launch wanted Bad Launch to take over; even she wasn't that naïve to not understand the dangers of Bad Launch.

She did not sneeze. Launch had finally done it; she had conquered the treacherous villain known as her nose. Never again, mark her words, would she black out and wake up in a jail cell. Never again would she have to remember to keep money in her pocket for bail, never again would she wake up in Yamcha's bed. Never.

Good Launch triumphantly took a step forward, hitting her shoes on the dusty red carpet. Not bothering to stop the sneeze, it became too late for her. The dust had traveled up through the air, entered her nose, and was being repelled out by her nose hairs. To make a long and rather disgusting story short, the author shall state it as simply as possible. Without using extra unnecessary words like Camel, Shrubbery, Coconut, and African Swallow. The author will also try to avoid, if possible, the words chocolate, poodle, hand grenade, polytheistic, ziggurat, Styx, and Rainbow; Making sure to never use words like puppy, Justin Bieber, and breadsticks.

Without further delay, much like they do in every episode of Dragon Ball Z. Come on, they literally just stand there talking about how they need to rush off to save someone! Hello! Why don't they go then if it's so d*** important! But no! They never listen to me; they just sit there and waste time! Even Vegeta does it and he goes on about being a proper warrior! You don't talk for fifteen bloody minutes in a real fight! It's idiotic!

Since the author of this story is being a hypocrite, and a rather entertaining one at that, or so she thinks; have you actually seen the size of Wisteria's ego? It's huge! It makes Vegeta's look like it belongs to a little bunny rabbit! Anyways, it is now time for you to know the answer. The answer to Launch's nose, and no it is not 42! That's for Tien's nose; the answer to Launch's nose is…..

She sneezed.

The blue curls turned blonde as Jackie's face turned giddy with anticipation. Finally, all of her not so hard planning had payed off. Jackie had met one of her goals in life: Meet Bad Launch. But in her mind, Bad Launch wasn't really bad. It would be like calling Jackie some sort of Angel sent from the depths of HFIL, her only task to torture the members of DBZ. No one would EVER call Jackie anything like that….Oh wait, yes they would.

"WHERE THE BEEP AM I YOU NO GOOD BEEPING BEEP!" Bad Launch cursed, pointing a rifle at Jackie's heart; her black, almost stone cold heart.

Jackie pulled off her Cruella Deville wig and outfit, dressed in all black as usual.

"I know vho the strongest is," she said, her face expressionless as she stared deeply into Bad Launch's eyes.

Bad Launch dropped into the same emotionless mask as Jackie, "Kakarot will not triumph as he stands by," she recited.

"Vegeta, the strongest Saiyan in the universe and beyond!" Bad Launch and Jackie said in unison.

Bad Launch smiled at Jackie before walking calmly over to the victim chair. She knew Jackie wouldn't try and hurt her; they were both part of the B.A.D.A.S.S organization. They needed to stick together since they lost so many members to G.O.O.D.Y.T.W.O.S.H.O.E.S. and D.O.G.O.O.D.I.E.S. But the worst organization, the one that really got under B.A.D.A.S.S. members skin was none other than….. G.O.K.U.F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

"So, Bad Launch," Jackie paused, "I have a very interesting piece of information right her, vaiting vithin my grasp,"

Bad Launch raised one blonde eyebrow; surely, Jackie was joking. There was no way that one B.A.D.A.S.S. member would torture another, they did have SOME moral views. Not a lot mind you, but just enough to get parole…and escape the death penalty for some of the more major crimes….

"According to this, your name isn't really Launch," Jackie said, "Vhy don't you tell me your real name, eh Launch?"

"You have no proof," Launch said smugly, "What are you gonna do now, sista?"

Jackie pressed the third…..no second…was it fourth…perhaps it was the fifth….twenty seventh….button on her remote. The TV lowered down, decorated orange and black with MORBID HALLOWEEN written on the back in loopy cursive letters.

_Launch and Bulma stood side by side, only six years old. Bulma waves a long peacock feather in Launch's face in an attempt to get her Irene dolly back. Bulma had idolized Irene for as long as she could remember, in fact, Irene was her very first word. Her parents could not have been more horrified. Launch shoves the feather out of her face, clinging hard on to the dolly as she sneezed. _

_ Launch's blue curls remained blue as she and her sister burst out laughing. Launch then dragged Bulma over towards the counter and took out a small silver needle._

_ "This chemical is gonna make me grown up," Launch said, "But mommy won't like that,"_

_ "So?" Bulma asked as she tugged on one of her pigtails, "You never got along with mommy,"_

_ Launch nodded at Bulma, mouthed sorry, then turned and jabbed the needle into Bulma's arm. Smiling as Bulma curled up on the floor; she took out a second vial and shot the contents into her own arm. Launch then began to shriek, not from pain, but from delight. Bulma watched with wide eyes as her twin sister's hair turned blonde then blue then blonde then blue before finally settling on blonde._

_ "You are Bulma Briefs, you have no sister," Launch said slowly._

_ "But your name is Bulma!" Bulma protested, her eyes becoming unfocused._

_ "Your name is Bulma Briefs, you have no sister," Launch repeated, "My name is Launch, you do not know me,"_

_ "My name is Bulma, I have no sister," Bulma muttered, "Your name is Launch, I do not know you,"_

_ "Good, now what is your name?" Launch asked, hoping that it was beginning to sink in._

_ "My name is Bulma, I have no sister," Bulma said as if she was in a trance, "My name is Bulma, I have no sister. My name is Bulma, I have no sister. Your name is Launch, I do not know you. Your name is Launch, I do not know you. My name is Bulma, I have no sister. My name is Bulma, I do not know you,"_

_Launch nodded before snapping her fingers, right in front of Bulma's eyes. Bulma swayed before hitting the floor with a thud; she was out like a light._

_ "Your name is Bulma, you have no sister,"_

Jackie shivered, slowly backing away from Launch, "That was supposed to be you performing on Barney," she muttered, still fearfully inching towards her desk.

Lightning flashed, illuminating Launch's blue eyes in an eerie light. If Jackie wasn't scared before, she was definitely scared now. Ah, now that was something for the records books…

If only she made it out of there alive….

**ADVERTISMENT**

Ok, People *swings sword* I have a command for you! Now, I know this isn't Dragon ball Z but I LOVE Greek mythology. I doubt many of you know that there IS a Greek Mythology Section. A lot of these stories are pretty common, but this author needs some love.

The Girl Who Learned the Truth by Babie-Dollie: The gods have gone silent, hiding themselves from mortals. Now, they decide to let their presence be known. Who do they chose to bring to their realm? A young misunderstood girl named Nadia, that's who.


	10. Android 17

**A/N: If you have an idea or character you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Remember, the winner of the self insert contest will be revealed at the 50****th**** review special.**

**Arien Desol**: That video scared me too…..and I'm the one that wrote it…Black Pigtails is up next, hope you don't mind that I'm giving you them in code…..sort of…..

**Ren Rika**: *giggles* the only difference is one sounds cooler…..oh look…cooler is a word! I have no idea why I forgot that…maybe it's because it was 5:59 AM, Can't wait to see your story!

**Pika-Chan**: Awesome!

**Son Gochi-chan**: It would be very possible. The only catch is that I take a total guess on your personality and such…..usually I'm pretty close to spot on…..

**glittergirl73**: For some reason, this made me think of Fruit loops…Do you think I need mental help? Hope Emely likes the chapter! I FREAKING LOVE YOUR STORY!

Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ, if you wish to debate that, you can do so at **The 50****th**** Review Special**.

**THE REAL DBZ: ANDROID 17**

"You're positive that he is going to be here?" A girl said, "Right?"

Jackie sighed from her spot on the desk. Both girls were wearing black shoes, boring gray socks, black blazer, and gray shirt with a white collar. Overall, no one would have ever thought Jackie and her long pink haired friend would ever be caught dead wearing that. Maybe they were dead and the studio was located in some part of otherworld. Though, it probably wouldn't be King Kai's planet…..or anything 'up' for that matter…..

"For the seventeenth time! Yes, Emely! He will be here!" Jackie said, laying her blonde and electric blue locks in her hands.

The pink haired girl was none other than Emely Roze Tevens, Jackie's cousin. Since Emely had to stay after school for Drama Club, the girls had no time to change out of their school uniforms. While Emely was only slightly miffed by it, she was more focused on meeting the objects of her obsessions. Her fantasies, her wildest dreams, the one person that would let her finally finish that goal setting project due last year.

Jackie, on the other hand, was a completely different story. She hated C.M.S. so much that she called it Clueless Middle School. Some more common nicknames were Children's Medical Services, Chi Chi's Madness School, Cooler's Morose Sanctuary, Chibi's Military School, etc. So when she found out that she couldn't change out of uniform before the show, well, she was more than just a little pissed. She was more like furious, and she planned to take it all out on today's victim.

The poor, poor soul; he didn't know what was coming.

"Miss Tanner, we're live in five," Carl the Cameraman said.

Jackie nodded before turning to Emely, "The show needs to be announced before you can meet him," She said, trying to tell Emely that she needed to be quiet.

Unfortunately, Emely received a completely different message, "All right,"

"Welcome back to The Real DBZ," Emely said, shoving Jackie to the side, "I'm Emely Roze Tevens and that's your host, my cousin Jackie Tanner. Today we have the most gorgeous guy under the stars, the only guy who burns hotter than the sun. He was the one that brought the idea of being hot and cold at the same time to reality. The one who should NEVER be allowed to wear sloppy clothes in public, Kami's greatest gift he ever gave to women. The misunderstood creation of Doctor Gero and I'm not talking about Android 16. Give it up for my future boyfriend and mate…..ANDROID 17!"

Jackie rolled her eyes at her cousin's behavior; she just didn't get her obsession with Android 17. Or the author's obsession with Mirai Trunks for that matter… What was so alluring about, as Vegeta would have said an idolized tin can? Jackie could just picture it now; some preppy girl, strolling hand in hand with a Soda Can wearing clothes...The more disturbing question wasn't why someone would do that; it was why Jackie wouldn't be shocked if some girls at school did that. Ah yes, Jackie's school was a VERY strange place….But that is, sadly, a story for another time and another place…..meaning the author will meet you in the abandoned warehouse at midnight; make sure you are not followed…

"_I'm having a bad bad day, it's about time that I get my way,"_ played from the speakers; Jackie could literally see the goose bumps running up Emely's arm.

One second, there was a perfectly fine Victims door. Nothing was possibly wrong with it, just as it was unscratched. It was unscratched because it was well cared for, meaning that it was spotless. Hence it is being a perfectly fine Victims door. Nothing was possibly wrong with it, just as it was unscratched. It was unscratched because it was well cared for, meaning that it was spotless. Hence, it is being a perfectly fine Victims door. Nothing was possibly wrong with it….

Anyways, the next second was a completely different story. Out of that once spotless door, a sneakered foot had been kicked through. Now, Emely was about ready to faint on the spot, having stared at pictures of that very foot for hours on end. She had memorized each smudge, the very twist in the laces, and the way it began to fray on the left side. Some would call her a stalker because of her obsession with Android 17. She agreed with them wholeheartedly, but see, Emely thought that being a stalker was a good thing.

But really, is there such thing as good and bad? According to Twilight, the book all about how important it is to have a boyfriend, it is ok to be a stalker. Especially if you are an immortal teenager born about a century ago, who likes to watch a depressed push over while she sleeps. So really, what Emely was doing was considered to be a celebrated behavior. But as in a lot of cases, society chooses to turn a blind eye to some of its customs. Thus, the numerous tin cans thrown at Emely as she walked through the hallway at school. At least it was better than some of the things Goku lovers had thrown at Jackie….

The sneakered foot kept on pushing, forcing tons of strain on the poor Victims door, until it finally snapped. Yet, you can't really blame the door for being too weak. This door was used by tons of the strongest warriors….and others…..in the universe. So when someone decides to stick their foot through it, don't take a grudge on the door. If you were that door, you wouldn't be standing. That door was leaning up against the wall, on its own power mind you, while the newest victim stood proudly.

His black locks spraying out behind him as he rose up a little in the air, doing a VERY impressive imitation of Washington crossing the Delaware river. His ice cold blue eyes even gave it that freezing element to it, while Emely's minor panic attack reminded Jackie Tanner of the drunk Hessians the patriots had fought. All in all, it was the oddest time for a lesson in American history, but it still burned the image into their minds. When someone asked Jackie or Emely who crossed the Delaware River, they'd not say Washington. They would answer, without a doubt, Android 17.

"You know, when I told baldy all about the game, I didn't mean you staring at me, pinkie," Android 17 said, sitting down in the Victim chair.

Cleverly, Android 17 used one of his fingers like a cigarette as he light a minor energy blast. Oh boy did Jackie wish that she had enough money to have the 'No Smoking' signs put up in the studio. But it was either those, or, the 'GT free zone' signs. Obviously, we can all understand which one was more important.

The GT free zone, of course!

"I HAVE A NICKNAME!" Emely screamed, shaking Jackie back and forth.

Now, Jackie looked at Android 17. Or at least tried to, and then looking towards Emely. She only had enough rope to tie one of them up. While Android 17 had the power to destroy her and the entire universe, along with his Mirai counterpart who was still being held up by Mirai King Yemma, she wasn't sure he was the best person to tie up. 17 hadn't actually hurt her, while Emely's constant shaking was starting to make the young blonde haired torturer dizzy.

A couple of knots and some narrowly avoided kicks later, Emely sat tied up with her mouth gagged. Ah yes, this was so much better! If Jackie could survive Vegeta not being tied up, then she should be able to survive Android 17, who was weaker than him.

"Do I need to explain this to you? Or can we start before the author loses interest?" Jackie Tanner asked in a babyish voice, ready to get back into her torturing after a month of forced vacation.

She had just barely been able to escape and get today's interview going. Who would have thought that someone would have wanted her to not go on? She was losing viewers for crying out loud! And if there was one thing Jackie Tanner cared about, it was the viewers. They could be mentally unstable, diseased, and criminals for all she cared; they only needed to watch. But if they didn't, oh, that would not make a very happy Jackie. And the last time she wasn't happy, well…..you saw what the Mirai time looked like, right?

"I wouldn't be playing the game if I didn't know the rules, mini 18," Android 17 said, kicking his feet up as if a little table was there.

"It's Jackie," She insisted, a little bit vexed at her latest victim.

"Mini 18," Android 17 countered, not bothering to look her in the eye.

"Jackie!" She yelled.

"Mini 18!"

"JACKIE!"

"MINI 18!"

"JACKIE!"

"MINI 18!"

"MINI 18!"

"Good, then it's settled," Android 17 said cunningly, "Now can we get on with this little game?"

Emely was giving Jackie the evil eye. While she had been tied up, helpless to come to 17's aid, her cousin had been the one having all the fun! That should have been me, Emely reasoned. Jackie didn't even have a crush, ok obsession, on Android 17! While she, Emely Roze Tevens, did! But there was nothing she could do….Jackie had used duck tape, the invincible tape made of ducks…..Not the phony rubber ducks, mind you. These were REAL ducks! The kind that would quack if you sat on them….ok, rubber ducks do that too…..but these ones were real!

"Fine," Jackie snapped, "As long as you keep your disgusting fantasies out of this room. They're almost as bad as….._GT_!"

Everyone in the studio audience, the crew, and all of the people on stage minus Jackie gasped at this. Being called as bad as GT was one of the highest insults imaginable! In fact, that was why they invented the show in the first place, so people would gasp! It was all part of their evil plan. See, when people gasped here, they inhale a rare bug that is known to cause a heart disease, which can only be cured by a boy from the future. Now, contrary to popular belief, there are not a lot of boys in the future. Look at what happened to Gohan! He got his arm cut off and died, along with all of the other original Z Fighters! While on the other hand, the Z fighter woman had survived. So, they'd have to go to the E.S.I. (Evil Schemers Inc.) and buy their medicine. Before you know it, you're receiving tons of magazines on Videl Satan even though you could just Google her or watch her on TV!

"What fantasies?" Android 17 hissed, "I am a machine. I don't _have_ fantasies!"

"Oh really?" Jackie Tanner asked, her face alight with evil glee, "Then why did you stalk, and continue to, Krillen after you somehow survived the cell games?"

Oh. Busted.

Android 17's normally pale face began to turn a bright red. Jackie hadn't even known it was possible for him to have blood rushing to his cheeks. Yet, he was able to bleed when he was punched in the mouth like every other fighter; must have something to do with him actually being a cyborg.

Or was he…

"That was a onetime thing!" Android 17 admitted, "Besides, I've never actually done anything like that….."

"What?" Jackie exploded, "You're a-"

_*We're sorry! We temporarily lost the signal of whatever silly piece of fanfiction you were reading! Completely guessing on your fandom, here's some fanfiction to keep you company!*_

My name is Vegeta

I'm even meaner than I look

But trust me bro, my powers are off duh hook

Kakarot can't compare to my…..

SUPER SAIYAN HAIR!

I'm pulling out of this itty bitty station

Controlling the world with my massive deviations!

What? What was that? You think I'm not all that?

Well you got another thing coming, that's the truth

Because my planet destroying powers are aimed at your roof!

PEACE OUT, SUCKERS!

KAKAROT COULDN'T EVEN SLEEP WITH A MOTHER F%$^ER!

*_Apparently, a lama ate the signal feed. How this happened, we don't know! Why don't you go and enjoy the show!*_

"Yes," 17 said ashamedly, "I'm a virgin. But you see, I was abducted by Gero! And the only girl was my sister! I don't roll that way!"

Emely wiped the sweat off her brow. Somehow, she had been freed from the dreaded duck tape. Perhaps Jackie or 17 had been the one two do it, yet there was no evidence to suggest that. But to play it safe, everyone should just avoid going near Emely for a little while. Her eyes still had a slight psychotic look to them, especially since they were twitching.

Jackie paused, creating total silence in the studio, "But you wear Android 18's clothes…."

Android 17 blushed, "They're so comfy and warm! Why else do you think I took her shopping so many times? I wanted clothes too!"

Blank stares were the only reply Android 17 received. What were you supposed to say when someone admits that, so openly, on inter-dimensional TV? Oh yes, we forgot to tell you. All of your favorite, and least favorite, villains in Hell are now able to watch just like Goku can! So, if you come on the show and make a rude comment about one of them, be prepared to pay for it. Unless it's Goku, he'll just frown at you before gushing all about the food at King Kai's place. He wouldn't even care about what you had done after those three seconds of disappointment were over!

"What? I'm an Android! It's not like I'm going to die and people will remember me as some dude who plays dress up!" 17 half yelled, trying to justify himself, "I'm practically immortal!"

"Can you make me immortal?" Emely asked, a hint of a squeal in her voice, "Can you? Can you? CAN YOU?"

Android 17 looked at her for a second. Jackie was actually feeling a little scared, not that she would let anyone know about it. Especially, since she had to go back to N.F.A.O.O.F.I.Y.B.S (Feeling An Ounce Of Fear In Your Body School) because she wasn't tough enough in the last episode. After going through extensive training, which involved being locked in a room with Goten, Jackie had sworn to never let Launch back on the show. If she did, she'd have to return to that dreadful, terrible room.

"Pinkie? What did I say?" Android 17 said sternly, like a father scolding his child.

How odd. Android 17 raising Emely as his own, teaching her how to terrify people who didn't get her what she wanted. Jackie cringed at the very thought; if Emely learned how to use ki, the world as she knew it would not live to see another day. Just in case, Jackie would make sure that the Emely shelter was fully stocked and prepared for war. She had been miserable when Emely had campaigned for 17 to go on the show, later shanghaiing one of the viewers to get her way.

"Err…Shut up?" Emely volunteered energetically, firmly sealing her lips at Android 17's nod.

"Why is she acting like an idiot?" Jackie mumbled to herself, just quiet enough that Android 17's sensors couldn't pick it up.

"Good," 17 commented, "And no, I'm not that evil,"

Maybe Dende really did care for the Earth. Caring meaning he let Mr. Popo take over so they'd get some good luck every once and a while. It was an odd feeling for Jackie, to have a deity actually help her out instead of making the tables turn on her. Could this be the reason that Son Goku was such a goody two shoes? Maybe she should become good and turn this TV show into one of those excir…Nope. There was no way Jackie Tanner was willing to do that, she still had tons of torturing sessions to film….I mean interviews lined up.

"But I am," Jackie whispered, instantly catching the attention of everyone in the room….

…Including the annoying little fly buzzing around the walls. Oh yes, I am talking about you! You don't like that? Tough! Deal with it! This is being filmed in a room, which is in a city, which is in a state, which is on a coast, which is in a free country! Thus, you can't do anything about this, fly! And don't you even think about calling 911! I called Paprika and she cut the lines earlier today! So bam!

Jackie raised her hand swiftly, revealing the dreaded remote in her grasp. Pressing down on the tenth button, she instantly relaxed back into her chair. She knew that finally, her mission had been completed. This would drive 17 insane; she could leave him to Emely, who would leave her alone, which meant she could hang out with Glitter tonight. Ah yes, life is sweet when you have the power to torture the strongest, alive and dead, warriors in the universe!

"NO! IT IS NOT A SMALL WORLD! OTHERWISE, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN TO GOKU'S HOUSE A LOT SOONER!" Android 17 screamed, clutching his ears in pain as Emely fussed over him.

_ "It's a small world after all!"_

That dreaded song was the only thing that poor Android could hear. He wanted someone to shut him off, just to spare him from that dreaded noise! But the only person willing to help him was the android obsessed Emely Roze Tevens.

"I can help you," Emely purred, "You just have to say yes to my next question!"

"OK! JUST MAKE THIS HORRID SONG CEASE! I'M GOING TO MALFUNCTION!" Android 17 begged, not even listening to what Emely was saying.

"Will you marry me?" Emely asked, "And let's make our honeymoon tonight….."

"Hey Emely," Jackie called, holding up a bag of chocolates marked 'Hypnotic chocolates that will get a crazed fan girl off your back and make for great television, "Want some?"

Oh, revenge is a dish best served cold. Jackie would know; she'd been freezing these chocolates for as long as she could. Emely would never know what hit her.

But remember boys and girls, the moral of this story is don't, you ever let a pink girl named Emely Roze Tevens become your friend, stalker, or relative. It will be your undoing, much like if you called Frieza fat when you can't even beat Raditz. Oh, I pity the souls that would have tried that. But not as much of the ones who didn't, not because they haven't lived.

Jackie Tanner would have had tons of hits if she videoed that.


	11. 50th Review Special!

**A/N: If you have an idea or character you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Also, I'm sorry it took me so long to post this chapter, which is why I can't remember the reviews I have to reply to. Sorry! Also, if you had a character appear in this story and felt you got a small role, don't worry! I usually have them come back on the show again, or mention them in flash back scenes!**

Disclaimer: In this universe, I do not own Dragonball Z. However, I believe I do in Pete's World! I'm gonna go say hi to Rose Tyler now! See ya!...Kidding, kidding…I'll finish the chapter first.

**THE REAL DBZ: 50****th**** REVIEW SPECIAL**

Jackie Tanner was upset, and for once, she had a right to be. She had carefully planned out her torture methods and embarrassing questions for a certain female crime fighter, and then it turns out her newest victim went out to lunch with Gochi. Not only did this mean she didn't have a show, it also meant she had two people to get revenge on…But being the vengeful young girl she is, Jackie only found delight in the prospect of torturing the two on live television.

"Jacks, come on! Artie is going to be here any minute!" Glitter squealed, her eyes lighting up with hearts.

Yet another reason, Jackie thought, that someone would pay for this punishment. Was this how my victims felt, she wondered.

"JACKS!" Glitter yelled, crossing her arms angrily and tapping her foot impatiently, "Artie is going to be here and you're not even ready!"

Jackie rolled her eyes at Glitter's newfound obsession with Arthur Sparks. He was just a friend of theirs from school, but Glitter seemed to worship the very ground he walked on. It didn't matter if said ground was covered in boogers, Saiyan hair, sticky skittles, and mud; she'd treat it just the same. Jackie herself just thought of him as a skinny boy, with messy red hair and an intelligent twin sister. But to Glitter, that didn't even come close to describing him. To her, he was the sun, and she was the shade…Or more likely, the stalker who has nothing to lose.

To make a long story short, Glitter was almost as bad as Emely. Almost.

"Don't forget Arien, Glitter," Jackie chided, rolling her eyes.

"..Arien?" Glitter asked, briefly pausing her fussing on wherever her outfit was good enough.

"His bloody twin sister!" Jackie scolded, still feeling quiet annoyed at her friend.

Sometimes, Glitter could be Jackie's best friend, which she actually was for a matter of fact. But at other times, Jackie could help but wondering how they ever got along. Perhaps it had to do with when they were children, and the substitute teacher, Mrs. Irene Hatechildren, had forced them to make a macaroni sculpture out of bricks. Consequently, Jackie and Glitter started a throwing contest, which led to almost everything in the classroom being destroyed. It was either that, or the time when they both ordered the same sandwich and didn't speak to each other at all…Yeah, let's go with that…

Like a hawk, Jackie's eyes immediately snapped to the door as soon as the handle began to turn. She knew this was the moment when it would all happen; the point in time when the world would end, or when the world would continue on until Vegeta got bored. Though to be truthful, Jackie would quite like to watch a bored Vegeta…It reminded her of Hockey games, which happened to be one of her favorite pastimes. That and watching Goku try to read at a third grade level. Oh yes, that was surely one of her favorites…

That rusty handle was being agonizingly slow, at least for Glitter it was. She just couldn't help but let out a little whimper, knowing that all that was separating her from her precious Artie was a narrow slab of wood. And a cheap one at that, since Jackie had been the one to purchase it. In the back of her mind, Glitter was also remembering the Eighth Amendment, which was clearly in violation. It was suppose to protect her from Cruel and Unusual Punishments, yet here she was, being tortured in one of the oddest of ways…Or at least, she herself thought it to be.

Ten minutes later, that knob still continued to turn. Honestly, even Raditz would have been in here by now, which was one of the few compliments that spiky haired Saiyan received. Well, all Saiyans are spiky haired…Except for Nappa, that is, since he was bald. Or perhaps his hair was just invisible? Which would make him, too, a spiky haired Saiyan…Too bad Vegeta had to blow him up before we could check, and thus, we can only guess that he was bald since the presence of his mustache. Otherwise, wouldn't his mustache be invisible as well? Or did he just like his hair more? Or like his mustache more...? Or maybe he's an Alien from another world…A world besides Planet Vegeta, of course…

Finally, the door knob ceased movement, jerking towards Jackie and Glitter as it slowly opened. If they hadn't known any better, they might have suspected that Arthur and Arien were doing this to them on purpose. However, Arien knew all too well how easily pissed off Jackie could get, and stopped messing with her after what is known as The Great Incident. No one could forget that day, and those that did, are currently being examined at Capsule Corp for the great anomaly that occurred in their brains.

A girl with curly purple hair, deep pink eyes, and fair skin stepped out, causing Glitter to immediately pout. Arien was very sweet, kind, and had helped Jackie out with torture ideas several times, but Glitter never really liked her. Jackie reasoned that it was because Arien used the same brand of hair gel as Glitter, which promptly caused her to have a fit. Jackie and Arthur both shuddered at the very thought of that day. Not even Frieza would have been able to watch it without flinching from fear and pure terror.

Next to walk in was a sleepy looking boy, with spiky red hair and light blue eyes. As soon as he was spotted, Glitter dashed over to him, or attempted to, since Jackie grabbed her at the last second. There was no way Miss Jackie Tanner wanted Glitter to attempt a snog fest with Arthur. Oh yes, did the narrator mention? We say snog now. Instead of kissing, we snog each other. Like it? Well, too bad if you don't! It is now, and forever will be, snog!

…Anyways, Arthur Sparks had arrived, and the silly blonde in the room certainly felt that there were sparks. Sadly, it was most likely in her imagination…Which may in fact have been a good thing, at least for Jackie. The last time Glitter had a boyfriend, she had already planned out the wedding and ordered the cake after week one. Yeah, the guy thought she was crazy too…

"Glitz! Hey girl!" Arien said, smiling, even though Glitter's attention was fully focused on her brother.

"Artie! I missed you oh so much!" Glitter squealed, somehow having escaped Jackie's firm grasp and squeezing the life out of poor Arthur.

Poor, poor Arthur. His face was turning purple, but Glitter payed it no mind. She was too busy inhaling his scent, memorizing his hair, and gazing deep into his eyes while also glaring at Jackie, in case she tried to separate them. It was times like these when Jackie was quite angry that she didn't have a victim. Most of them would have sided with her, and promptly removed the gross couple-that-wasn't-a-couple.

Alas, Jackie's salvation would not come. There would be no buff hero, or former villain, coming to rescue her. She should have thought about this when she decided to host the show, and realized that they probably wouldn't want to help her. Then again, Goku helps everyone, even the people trying to kill them. The only exception would be nurses, especially the ones equipped with needles. He hated those, and Jackie had a secret. And thin, glass secret with a point, just waiting to scare that Saiyan into action, but first, she'd have to figure out how to find him.

Of course, she'd have to get through Chi Chi first.


	12. Videl Satan

**A/N: If you have a character or idea you'd like Jackie to use, leave it in a review. Also, I recently got a Facebook page! Here's the link (remove the spaces) and check it out! **http :/ www. facebook. com/ Wisteria 22

Arien Desol: Oh it's good to be back! I finally got back into the fanfiction beat, since I discovered roleplay in December. I also made a facebook page, which the link is in the Authors Note above. And you're welcome! I plan to have Arien come back into the story more often, since she had a small role in the last chapter.

Glittergirl73: Oh kuso! I forgot I didn't announce that! So sorry! I'll announce it in this chapter at someplace! Artie is rather smexi! I got a picture of him up on my Facebook page, which I've put the link for.

**Disclaimer: **Don't blink. Blink and you're dead. *blinks* Darn it! Guess I can't own DBZ then…

**THE REAL DBZ: VIDEL SATAN**

Sitting on the desk, now decorated with rainbows and sparkles thanks to Glitter, was the famous bad tempered teenager we all know and love. Her blonde hair was free of its normal ice blue highlights and her nails no longer had their usual black nail polish. Furthermore, she was wearing simply sweats and a t-shirt. Not what Jackie usually chose to look like, but Videl had "accidently" spilled all of her hair dye over her stuff. Said future victim was currently banging on the doors, trying to get let back in. Jackie however, was throwing darts at her Goku shaped dart board, annoyed at all the people who wanted help. It was always, "I need to meet Trunks!" or, "I must have revenge on Vegetable head!" Jackie felt a bit tired of not getting to chose what to do, so she decided to lock Glitter, Arthur, and Arien inside of the bathroom; with a hysteric Goku in there as well, of course. The most amusing part was that he still hadn't tried breaking down the door; especially since it was already starting have the wood chip away.

Getting tired of the banging, Jackie signaled to Carl the Cameraman to let the crime fighter in. She was starting to give Jackie and headache, and Jackie hated headaches almost as much as she hated not getting what she wanted. Jackie always got what she wanted, even if it wasn't possible. She found a way, and if there wasn't a way, she yelled and screamed until one became available. According to legend, even King Yemma himself had agreed to spare her from HFIL out of sheer terror.

Carl the Cameraman gulped and slowly shuffled over to the Victim's door. He hated this job so much, but he needed his weekly penny- the highest amount of payment Jackie would ever let him have. How else was he supposed to buy his senzu beans and diet cokes? Plus, his new boyfriend wouldn't be happy if they couldn't afford to take him to Mr. Satan's gym…For some reason, he idolized that man, and it made poor Carl a bit jealous. But enough about Carl, we have far more important things to talk about…Things like the repair Jackie would have to make to the door, since a certain person with black pigtails head butted it, creating a quite lovely Videl head shaped hole.

"Hello Jackie," Videl said coolly, ripping the rest of the door apart with her hands.

Jackie felt a tinge of remorse at this action. Her and that door had been through so much together; they'd tortured heroes, villains, and had a good laugh or two. It would be so sad to see it leave, but perhaps it could go to Otherworld and train with King Kai. Then later, it could come back to life, train at Planet Knobbe and become a Super Door! But the real question is would it glow green? Or red with pink polka dots?

The world may never know…

"Videl, come on in, will ya?" Jackie said, glancing at the broken pieces of her beloved door, "Make yourself at home…"

Videl simply shrugged, brushed a stray bang out of her eye and sat down calmly in the Victim's chair. To anyone but Jackie, she would have been quite intimidating. But to Jackie, all she saw was a challenge, and one that she couldn't help but take.

"So, I daresay you know the rules? Don't lie or you're tortured. And…," Jackie smirked, "Don't struggle."

` Oh yes, it had taken quite a long time but Jackie had finally gotten a hold of Saiyan Proof Rope. She was rather glad, since she missed the slight physical torture that she could induce onto her victims. Before the show, she had even made a special trip over to the Son House, that way she could test the rope on the supposed strongest Saiyan ever. It was just able to overpower Goku, and that was when he was hungry and Chi Chi was placing food on the table, so that way saying something. Alas, Jackie had been in a very good mood when she got home that night and watched her favorite show, Doctor Who. She would never let anyone know it, but she cried when Rose was stuck in that universe. It was probably the first time in many years, perhaps the first time ever that Miss Jackie Tanner had cried. And that was definitely saying something.

Videl glared, not liking the ropes wrapped securely around her. She didn't even understand why she agreed to go on this stupid show in the very first place. None of the victims did, they just showed up, or in some cases, were kidnapped in order to ensure they showed up. Jackie had gotten quite good at it, though she sometimes let Basil, Paprika, and Danielle be in charge of those types of things. She was lucky that she got off easy last time she was caught, but then again, Jackie Tanner seemed to always be lucky.

"So tell me, Videl. Would you describe yourself to be rather…egocentric?" Jackie smirked, feeling back in her element for the first time in a while.

Jackie had hated the numerous delays, postponing what makes her world go round. It was all Wisteria's fault, she thought. Wherever Jackie liked it or not, she need Wisteria to fund her show and provide finger power…Not that she knew what finger power was. That was classified information.

"No!" Videl snapped, not at all trying to keep her cool, "Why would I call myself _that_? I _don't_ have an ego!"

"Hmm…Sure you don't," Jackie spoke sarcastically, stroking an imaginary beard.

"I do not have an ego!" Videl screeched, absentmindedly pushing against her restraints.

Which caused said restraints to immediately tighten, cutting into the young crime fighter's skin. Yes, Jackie was very much pleased with Capsule Corps work on the rope. Not only did it restrain, it also could cause pain for the unfortunate victim! Kami forbid someone try that on Jackie though, she'd be likely to destroy the entire world in her wrath, the main reason that young Zora Gatto was trying to find the source of her evil. But alas, that was a story for another time and another place.

"Watch it, pigtails! You wouldn't want to get hurt…Now would you?" Jackie chastised, getting on Videl's last nerve.

Which, come to think about it, may have been Videl's only nerve. It wasn't like she was incredibly patient, kind, and understanding to everyone she met. She ever followed Gohan around; just because she wanted to know a secret he may or may not have had. Even though she did have a secret, some people may have called it creepy. In fact, most people did so except for the Gohan and Videl fangirls giggling in the back right corner. Oh yes, I know where you are, fangirls!

"Oh for the love of Dende! Just get this thing over with!" Videl growled, "I have to give Sharpner his Nine O'clock beating! The baka asked me out…again!"

Jackie grinned, her eyes light up with evil glee, "Aww! Sounds like someone is in love!" she taunted.

Videl had had enough. First, Gohan was too chicken to come with her today, which meant she had to face this blonde monster all by herself. Secondly, she started to have a respect for Mirai Trunks, since he had been stuck in a time with _things_ even worse than Jackie. Thirdly, they had ran out of her favorite ice cream flavor because some little kids bought it all up. She didn't even understand how they could eat that much! She would suspect Goten and Chibi Trunks to be involved, but they were supposed to be training with Vegeta that day…Anyways, it was the taunting cries of Jackie that drove her to snap, to utter the very words that Mrs. Son as banned from her house…She said…

"Your Mother is a *****ing******lorem ipsum******** admiumvenium**************turolagulio*******Hippopautamus************* Republican**************** and Daniel Radcliffe***************** With a Bucket of**************** and a Castle far away where no one can here you **********************Soup************ With a Bucket of************** Mickey Mouse************* and A Stick of Dynamite*******Magical*********** Alakazam!" Videl yelled feeling quite pleased with herself.

Jackie blinked, wide eyed. She never thought she would hear anyone say that on _her_ show. Maybe on Zora's show, or the show she's certain Glitter is going to start since she won the self-insert contest the author of this story had. But there it was, in plain…er…words. The Elder swear, invented by some guy who lives in his basement and plays with puppets. Not that Jackie had ever done that before…She found herself to be above playing with puppets...Or at least, that's what she told her parents.

"You…you…!" Jackie stuttered, stunned, "I didn't think you had the guts? It's supposed to be an act! An act to prove yourself to your father because YOU ARE A DADDY'S GIRL, VIDEL SATAN! YOU HEAR ME? A STUPID, SILLY DADDY'S GIRL WHO WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING!"

"Someone sounds crabby…Need a nap, little girl?" Videl smirked, ignoring what Jackie said.

As Jackie stormed out of the room, leaving Videl tied up to a chair, she realized one thing. Videl had not denied it. Videl was, and forever will be, a Daddy's girl. There would be no way to take that back, since Jackie had stopped the camera from rolling after her exit. She hated wasting film, since it meant less torture. But what she didn't realize, was the title of the well thumbed book in Videl's back; Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer.

Videl Satan, daughter of the World Champion, was a secret twi-hard.


	13. Lord Frieza

**A/N: If you have a character or idea you want Jackie to use, leave it in a review. I've felt really bad for not updating this, so my Hunger Games readers are going to have to wait a bit! I'll try to do a DBZ and Hunger Games on alternating days. Since it's been so long, I have absolutely no clue what I promised, so we're starting off fresh! Consider it a new season, if you will **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z. What do I own? The Real DBZ. The reason, you may ask? Jackie and I both agree on our opinion of Goku…3:) Now I must go find my Lord Vegeta! Oh, and the song "Finding Jackie," is from the Doctor Who Original Television Soundtrack if you want to listen along to it when it comes in. **

**THE REAL DBZ: LORD FRIEZA**

Somewhere, in a land far, far away, Jackie Tanner reappeared into the public eye. People flocked to her, asking the furious blonde haired child where she had been all this time. They wanted to know what had happened to their favorite celebrity, where she had been for all that time. Some of the people thought that Son Goku had finally snapped, reverting to his Saiyan tendencies and squeezed the life out of the poor thing. Well, Jackie wasn't really poor, and she'd knock you senseless as could be if you ever chanced to ask her the question. In fact, our young heroine, if you could call her that, had been on a perilous journey. You see, Jackie Tanner's show had been canceled, gasp, canceled! All of the crew had left, including Carl who never did pronounce his love, still pretending to be a straight man. Ah, when will they learn? When the sky falls? When Vegeta shaves his moustache? When Goku grows a moustache? When Gohan plays with barbies? …The Kais may never know…

But a speck of hope rang out of the horizon, singing and calling for it to be free. Destiny itself proclaimed that The Real DBZ should prevail! Not even Hank Morgan, the so called Boss in King Arthur's Court, could have tricked the people into believing it wasn't so! Still, the author of this story would much appreciate it if his story could finish, since the task of reviewing each single chapter of his book is becoming a tiresome and dreary tasks. Even Gohan, the studious and sexy nerd of the series, would have run screaming for the hills, a reaction similar to seeing Videl on a bad hair day. And we all know that we can't remember that, as silence must fall when the question is asked…What question, you say? Well, I certainly wouldn't know, you can be sure about that.

And since destiny itself decreed it to be so, Jackie Tanner exited the dark and dingy McDonalds in which she had spent her exile, scaring little kids by telling them the nasty things they put in the chicken nuggets. Of course, they probably should have already known that they put lighter fluid in them, yet peradventure the human teen should have held her tongue. But being there, it was quite comical, a scene that I will never forget; especially when Jackie crushed the dreams of a single cat lover by telling her that Twilight was just a fancy name for…well, you know. Can't be bothered to tell you it, as this show is supposed to be rated G, eh? Or perhaps it was T…Or R…Even Jackie had forgotten long ago, what with Glitter taking up her new role as Manager.

"HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP ME WAITING?" A feminine voice screamed, terminity obvious.

Turning her attention to her beloved door, the one that each one of her victims had stepped through, Jackie stopped reminiscing in the happy and unhappy memories. She'd already made sure that Suzanne Collins would pay, since her previous producer had left to go work on the Hunger Games. Why'd they want to do that, Jackie could never understand, as things were far more interesting on _her _show. Brushing her pale locks behind her ears, with not a trace of neon blue in sight, she grimaced upon remembering the horrible budget cuts. Those must have been someone's fault, certainly not hers, as in her opinion, she was perfectly perfect in each and every perfect way.

"Gosh, you're as bad as ChaCha lady! It was all, 'Jacqueline, go to school!' and 'Gohan, make sure Jacqueline does her homework!' How could anybody live with her? No wonder Son is so dumb…He must have killed off his brain cells in self defense!" Jackie growled, signaling to Arthur, her new camera man, to start the show in five.

This was it, the beginning of season two of The Real DBZ. Twelve new Victims, perhaps a special or two for the holidays, and then she'd be right back where she was. But Jackie didn't care, as long as she didn't have to go on hiatus with ChiChi, or ChaCha Lady, again. It had been horrible, so much so that all of her favorite clothing had been thrown out. Currently, Jackie wore a black undershirt, with pants of the same color. A green fighting tunic over top, belted as to give her a slight figure, had been all that ChaCha Lady had been able to give her. Musing upon this, Jackie had to admit it was better to wear part of Gohan's Saiyaman uniform then something out of ChaCha Lady's closet, or Kami forbid, Erasa's. Taking a deep breath, Jackie straightened the white boots she had "acquired" from Vegeta, and the white gloves she had "borrowed" from Future Trunks, or Mirai as she now called him. This was it; it was Jackie Tanner's time to shine, and time for her to bring the Lizard Lord down.

"Welcome back to The Real DBZ! As always, I'm you're host, Jackie Tanner! Today, we have someone that you're all very anxious to meet, a very important figure in the fashion world…Come on out," Jackie paused dramatically, smirking slightly, "Lord Frieza!"

Instantly, the song "Finding Jackie" started to spill from the speakers. Despite it being more orchestral music, it had seemed fitting to it to be featured in the first episode of season two. After all, so many of her fans had been trying to do just that, to find her. And so, the Lizard Lord had that for his fanfare, with his executioner, for his reputation at least, waiting behind Death's Door. Though Frieza had already been killed, more times than should have been needed in Jackie's book, so it really should have had no effect on him. Though the song only played for a total of fifty five seconds, Glitter could feel the tension rising in the air, wishing that Danielle had been there to break up the fight that she was all too sure would ensue. In her mind, Jackie can talk the talk, walk the walk, but against a super powered lizard, she'd be toast. Ironic, isn't it? The one who had been able to best so many of the favored heroes, written off as a casualty from a lizard's rage. Yet Lord Frieza didn't find anything funny about it, his favorite shade of Revlon lip stick smackered across his lips, which had upturned into a cruel and unforgiving smile.

"Well, well, well, Jacqueline…," Frieza said, causing Jackie's left eye to twitch- ChaCha Lady had called her Jacqueline too many times for pleasure, "It seems that we will meet again."

"Don't you mean have?" Jackie snorted, rolling her sapphire blue eyes, "I thought you'd be smarter, but I guess you aren't, you oversized gecko…I saw you're birth certificate by the way, so don't even try to deny it."

Frieza's eyes narrowed, marring the beautiful makeup that he had gone to professionals to apply. No one and that meant no one, was allowed to look at the royal birth certificate. Not even the person writing it, meaning that they had to awkwardly turn their gaze away, and hoping that it didn't come out as a load of scribbles. But it didn't matter if it did, as previously mentioned, that no one had ever been allowed to witness it. Frieza himself didn't even know if he had been born on a Tuesday or a Wednesday, as his mother had her memory removed shortly after- another royal custom. Today might have been his birthday, yet it could have been last week, next Friday, twenty seven hours and fifteen minutes ago, and he would not have had the slightest idea. Even Raditz, a wannabe rock star gone wrong, had at least known when he had been born. And in Frieza's mind, Jackie should not have been able to achieve something that the "most powerful person in the universe" could not have.

Frieza screeched, "How dare you-"

Miss Tanner gave him the ChiChi glare, which she had ever so perfectly perfected upon her imprisonment at the Son home. It had taken her hours, several hours, sets of sixty minutes, sets of three thousand six hundred seconds, sets of two hundred sixteen thousand milliseconds, or something along the lines of that. The real point of it was that it was a quite long period of time, so long that Goten had grown three beards, working on growing his fourth one at this very moment. But alas, it had been all too worth it, as Lord Frieza stood transfixed, as if someone had cast a deadly hex at the poor evil overlord.

"How dare I?" Jackie laughed, tossing back her head, "How about how dare you use Revlon? I know that shade, Ice Cream Friezy, and in fact, I believe I wore it first. So are you taking your fashion advice from me?"

Opening his mouth to bite a vicious reply, the fingers of his interviewer snapped, the ropes tying him securely into the chair. Smiling sweetly, Jackie made a motion towards her remote, the very remote which could give him unbearable pain at the moment. He had seen what had happened to Android 17, what with the getting married to a crazed earth girl and listening to the horrifying song. There was no way in the world that he, the king of the universe and all below, would want to be married to someone. That squealing blonde, the one who liked to call herself 'friend' towards the moody black haired female, would be the one Jackie would select for him, and he knew it. No doubt that all of the people here found him highly attractive, with several modeling agencies trying to get his numbers. It was a mere coincidence that they turned up to be dark alleys when he traveled to the address that they had given him, correct? Besides, Frieza knew that no one would want to mess with him, as he was a very scary and clearly all powerful person.

"And not to mention that it marked 'other' under the gender part of it," Jackie added, crossing her legs so she could sit more comfortably in her chair, nicknamed the Chair of Doom, "Does that mean you're a boy and a girl? What are you, Ice Cream Friezy? Mind sharing?"

Considering his options, Frieza's voice came out shallow and weak, "I…I am confused…,"

"Confused?" she questioned, smiling slyly like a fox would.

"Yes," Frieza nodded, "It all started when I read Twilight. I…I cried when Edward left, skipping to the last pages to see if he was there. You may say that's when it all started…I guess I'll go on…Then when Jacob was there, and the Ginyu Force started shipping him with Bella, they laughed that I still liked Bedward. It just has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Bedward. I think I'll name a son of mine Bedward…But then it got worse, much much worse, when the Volturi were after Bella, wanting to kill her or change her, so much so that Zarbon had to become my teddy bear for a night…I…I…," he paused, wiping away a curiously purple tear, "I'm a TwiHard…Just like that Videl girl…,"

Somewhere, a mob formed to attack the studio. Knowing this, Jackie had to think quickly, otherwise risk millions of dollars of damages. There was no way she wanted her second season to end this soon, when she still hasn't even gotten to one of her person idles, Chibi Trunks. Jackie had heard the tales told about him, and had assisted him on her short stay at the Son Home. Reflecting upon this, Bulma had turned rather red upon learning that her bra was hanging at the National Mall in Washington D.C., accompanied with a sign that told just whose bra it was. As a note, it must be said that it was black, one of Vegeta's favorite colors…

"It's all right, Ice Cream Friezy, just repeat after me: Jingle bells, Twilight smells, Edward ran away! Bella died, Jacob cried, Potter all the way!" Jackie instructed, looking incredibly serious for once.

Doing so, Frieza had happy tears in his eyes, "Thank you," he whispered.

Little did he know that Jackie had his lipstick in her pocket…


	14. Cell

**A/N: A bunch of you will be sad to see this chapter, but I really couldn't keep on writing this. However, this won't be the last you see of Jackie, as I have a new idea, which will inspire me to update more frequently! **

**Disclaimer: Somewhere, in an alternate universe, I own DBZ. Is this an alternate universe? Somewhere, in an alternate universe, this is an alternate universe….And somewhere, in an alternate universe, one of you is screaming at me to get on with it.**

**THE REAL DBZ: CELL**

On the brisk fall morning, a trio of people appeared outside of the tiny studio. No one would have known that they were coming, especially if they knew what events had been taking place. Two of them, tall and lean, had hair the color of ravens. One wore it in a bun, traditional and perfected down to the smallest conceivable iota, and the other's was an extremely sharp contrast in comparison. Sticking up at odd angles, the man raised a hand nervously to ruffle it up, as if he didn't already know of the extreme discomfort that his wife, ChaCha Lady as the final member of the trio dubbed her, felt towards his behavior.

Frowning, Jackie Tanner glanced at the two of them from the corner of her eye, her petit little nose wrinkling in distaste. Her pale locks were still void of her favorite vivid blue, and because ChaCha Lady had insisted, they'd been grown out as well. Jackie's hair reached the middle of her back, little flowers put into it at the wacko lady's insistence; this punishment was not one that Jackie had been expecting. Neither had the itchy old dress of ChaCha's, serving to make Jackie feel less and less like herself. For a moment, Jackie wished that Glitter would have been able to come and rescue her, but at a glare for ChaCha Lady, she decided that the horrible human woman must have been telepathic as well.

"Well, _Jacqueline_, here is your reward for three months of good behavior. Now, try to be nice today," ChiChi paused, her nose up in the air already, "or Goku and I will have to _adopt_ you. You have been warned, young lady."

Jackie's eyes widened considerably, the pale irises revealing fear for once, "You'll…._what?!"_

The Ox Princess frowned, hating having to repeat herself. Secretly, ChiChi was hoping that Jackie would continue on with The Real DBZ the same way she always had done; the idea of having a daughter, a human daughter, was quite enticing to the older woman. Really, ChiChi almost called up Cell herself, or perhaps those three girls that kept coming onto the show, to ensure that something evil would happen. If King Yemma found out that the Son Mother was thinking those thoughts, well, he would have another reason to feel like sending her down below. That is, if he wasn't scared to death of her; each sane, and even insane, creature felt the same way about ChiChi. Except for that bumbling fool Goku, as there'd always been something a bit off about him…

"I said that Goku and I would have to adopt you," ChiChi stated slowly, already planning out the first of many shopping trips to drag her precious Jacqueline on. Oh, the joys of having a daughter!

A broad grin appeared on Goku's face, at the thought of having yet another training partner. He could see it now, waking up Jackie early in the morning, in which she bounded out of the bed the same way Gohan used to. Of course, she wouldn't be turning Super Saiyan in the process, but that type of logic seemed to escape the man. Perhaps it had to do with the rather crude return process, in which ChiChi used Jackie's connections to King Yemma to _make _her husband stop being foolish, and come back to Earth. One of his two brain cells may have stayed behind in the process, it seemed to Jackie.

"That's a great idea, ChiChi!" Goku bursts out, patting his wife on the back, which caused her to stumble forward, "Oops…Guess I still don't know my own strength! Hehe…"

"Look, you two…," Jackie seethed, pulling a flower out of her hair, "I am going to go film my show. Glitter is going to be taking me to her house for a sleepover. And there's _nothing _you can to do stop me!"

Inwardly, ChiChi had a happy dance as Jackie walked away briskly. Surely, this would be enough to qualify as acting up? She'd get a daughter after all! Grabbing her husband's arm, she motioned frantically, not quite being able to form words in her excitement. What would she do first? Ah, of course! Register Jackie for High School, same year as Gohan, as she was not going to let any child of hers be on the average track. No, she felt that the best spot for a fourteen year old would be with the senior class! Gohan had only been there for a week, and he already had a little pal, what was her name, Ville? Something like that, but ChiChi paid it no mind, having successfully formed the words she wanted to say. In an hour, the life of Jackie Tanner would change forever.

"Thank Kami they're gone…," Jackie muttered under her breath, opening the door to the studio, "I thought they'd _never _leave."

Candles lit the place, the exact way that Jackie had told Glitter to do, in case she would return. Her manager, or as she preferred to be called, or the Mistress of Fabulousness as she preferred to be called, had followed her instructions to the smallest detail. Jackie smiled smugly to herself, knowing that this is exactly why Glitter had become her friend, instead of just one of her many followers. Whom, upon her second mysterious disappearance, had scoured the country in outrage, and even managed to shave the mustache off of the Saiyan Prince, Vegeta. Or as Jackie fondly called him, Vegetable Number Two.

"JT!" a pink haired blur squealed, running towards Jackie with incredible speed, "It's been, like, months! Did you, like, get caught again, and like, finally, like, escape?"

Stumbling backwards, Jackie had to peel her friend, Glitter, off of her. A small part of her was thankful that Goten lived in the Son Home, as she'd had much practice with this during her various exiles. It took a moment or two to do so, but eventually, Jackie managed to breathe again. However, she couldn't help but be a bit irked that Glitter hadn't even properly messed up ChiChi's dress; it still looked as…motherly…as it always had.

"Those people are insane, Glitz," she muttered under her breath, slowly walking towards her desk, "Anyways, onto important business. Old Cell-y boy still there? Camera crew ready?"

Glitter nodded, throwing a hooded jacket and hair extensions for Jackie, promising that they'd only film from the waist up today, "He arrived here about three months ago. Yemma put some, like, wacky dacky spell on him that, like, prevents him from leading without your, like, say-so. Fabs, isn't it, JT?"

Jackie nodded, pulling on the jacket, and clipping in the hair pieces. Neon blue. _Brilliant_. Perching down on her desk, she motioned towards Arthur, who had literally glued himself to the camera. Hopefully he hadn't been there too long, but yet Jackie could never be too sure; she'd been cut off from civilization for months! In fact, she didn't even remember who she was supposed to tor-_interview _next! Sighing slightly at that horrible fact, Jackie signaled to Glitter, ready to get this show on the road. She didn't even know where ChiChi had gone, but she also found that she didn't care at all.

"Welcome back to another episode of The Real DBZ!" Jackie cheered, smiling evilly for the camera, "As always, I'm your host…Jackie Tanner! Today, we've got a _living _terror to speak with…Bad joke, sorry. Let's bring him out, though!"

Dramatic music began to play, all on Glitter's bubbly cues that she'd been giving out to the small crew of three. Most of their money went towards paying the television station to air their show, ever since they'd lost their old producer, who was a pro at negotiating contracts like that. Jackie had already sent a memo off to the girls, in hopes that they would make him pay for ditching her show. Besides, Jackie hadn't even read the Hunger Games, and yet, everyone seemed to be freaking out about it. Could it really be that much better than her show?

Could Yamcha stop being a wimp? Of course not, she decided, chuckling to herself as her guest blasted down her door. Once again, Jackie sighed, as if something terrible was pressing down against her. Shaking her head slightly, Jackie forced herself to smirk, to watch and to decide what questions to ask, as Cell himself entered the room.

"Take a seat, will ya?" Jackie requested, smiling falsely, "I understand Yemma wants you back…_quickly."_

Cell snorted, and yet complied. The chair had been painted neon blue, ever since Vegeta had ruined it during his turn on the show. In fact, the improvements for it had just arrived last week, and had been installed during Arthur with Glitter breathing down his neck. In fact, you can still see where she stood, as some of her foundation dripped off during the heat. Since then, Glitter had been forced to cut down the amount of makeup that she chose to wear each day…Or suffer the embarrassing consequences that not even Lord Frieza could laugh about. Speaking of which, rumor had it he's been terrorizing dead cosmetic business owners, on search for a new stick of lipstick…

Which Jackie may or may not have fed to Goten. Anyone who wants to know, well, there's no way you're going to find out anytime soon; Jackie would be sorry, but she isn't. Tough luck.

"Understand the rules of the show, right Cell-y?" Jackie said, smirking slightly as the Vegeta proof rope encircled her latest victim, "Speak truthfully. Otherwise, we'll be having fried insect for supper…Doubt anyone would be able to tell the difference, too."

Cell narrowed his eyes, chewing on the tip of his tail from nerves. He'd heard about the horrors that Jackie had done to Frieza, in fact, he'd been forced to comfort the quivering little lump after the occasion. It hadn't done wonders for his reputation either, after the entire human race knew that he'd been defeated by that slug; so what if it wasn't true? To Cell, it felt as if it was the fact that Mr. Satan claimed it to be.

"So Cell…," Jackie pondered, before voicing her first question, "According to the latest edition of HFIL magazine, you've been spotted dating none other than Frieza. Thoughts?"

Somehow, Cell managed to turn a rather delicate shade of red, "Er…I…um…You see…"

Jackie raised an eyebrow, pressing down the first button on her remote. From Glitter's mischievous grin, which startlingly resembled her own, Jackie figured that the punishment system was finally up and running again. And from the sick sizzling sound, followed by a girlish scream, Jackie grinned, knowing that she was right.

"Let's try that again, shall we?" Jackie asked innocently, grinning slyly at the same time, "Are you or are you not dating Frieza?"

Cell dejectedly looked downwards, not aware of the couple that had just appeared outside of the studio. Of the adoption papers that ChiChi now held in her hands, or the fact, that he might be the luckiest person to ever go on The Real DBZ. Jackie, too, was clueless, grinning and laughing as Cell mumbled out responses, instead of mourning the life she didn't even knew she lost.

For in a matter of moments, The Real DBZ would come to an end. _Forever_.


	15. Credits

_**THE REAL DBZ**_

**PRODUCED BY: **_**MARGE "GLITTER" SABROWSKI**_

**BROUGHT TO YOU BY: **_**THE CARROT COLORS**_

**CHARACTERS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE**

**JACQUELINE "JACKIE" TANNER**

**SON GOKU**

**PICCOLO**

**VEGETA**

**MARGE "GLITTER" SABROWSKI**

**YAMCHA PLATE**

**DANIELLE BRONZTON**

**PAPRIKA BRONZTON**

**BASIL BRONZTON**

**BULMA BRIEFS **

**CARL YUKKOI**

**SHARPNER PENCIL**

**HERCULE SATAN**

**MR. POPO**

**DENDE**

**ANDROID 18**

**WISTERIA 22**

**THE GINYU FORCE**

**KING COLD**

**KING YEMMA**

**KING KAI**

**LORD FREIZA**

**SON ****C****HI****C****HI**

**AKIRA TORIYAMA**

**MIRAI TRUNKS BRIEFS**

**MIRAI SON GOHAN**

**MIRAI BULMA BRIEFS**

**KAMI  
><strong>

**VIDEL SATAN**

**ERASA PINKS**

**LIME LIMONE**

**LAUNCH KUSAMI**

**ANDROID 17**

**EMELY ROZE TEVENS**

**ARIEN SPARKS**

**ARTHUR SPARKS**

**CELL**

**~FIN~**

* * *

><p>Thank you all so much for reading this story! Here are the credits, in which each character that made an appearance has been listed. Hopefully, I'll be able to start a story about what happens to Jackie after the Real DBZ. That all depends on if I'm able to finish the Reapings for Sunken Hopes, though! All of my lovely reviewers, you rock! I'm sorry that Jackie didn't get to complete her twenty-four interviews, but just maybe, she might be able to make a couple more in the new story. Here's a teaser for what it will be like, and this title is not yet confirmed.<p>

The Life and Times of Jackie Tanner: Son ChiChi does end up adopting Jackie. Going under an alias, Son Jada, Jackie is shipped off to Orange Star High. Gohan's already having trouble keeping his identity under the wraps, and insists upon Jackie shedding her blonde locks for the trademarked black of the Son Family. Still, that doesn't stop Videl from being more suspicious of the pair...Will Gohan's secret be revealed? And what in the world is going to happen to Jackie Tanner?


End file.
